I love this picture and find it so peaceful. The canopy of the trees so far overhead, yet the light peering through, as if to welcome you to this next place. I am sure there could be many metaphors for this picture - from the darkness into the light, from fear to hope, you name it. I will leave that up to you and what is going on with you at this particular place in your life.
For me, my mind is split into three distinct yet different places.
The first is about a great friend of mine that is being treated for stage 4 throat cancer. As is typical with this kind of cancer, there were no symptoms until it got to be this size, this advanced and is in his tongue and lymph nodes as well. Words fail me, but my heart doesn't. It is abundantly aware of the fear, the reality, the future and everything in between.
As is my nature, I have researched this to my usual extreme and am doing everything I can to help him, his wife, his family, as well as myself and my husband. I monitor his treatment daily, his responses and educate myself at every opportunity. I am not sure if thinking I have the knowledge will make it hurt less, or be less scary through preparation. He is always in my thoughts but not in the I am glad it isnt me way, it is always this disbelief that it happened to him backed up by the fear of how much this will change who he is, just to survive this. I pray he survives this but when I close my eyes, I see his wife walking down the aisle in black holding the hands of her two young sons wearing their black suits. Ok, there, I have said the worst out loud and it is not tempting fate. Now it cannot happen because I have faced it. I will believe that for a few minutes anyways...
The second is about my work. After being sick myself and in bed for almost 2 years, I had my own company. It was nice to work from home, but eventually I realized that I didnt want to be responsible for so many people, their income, their livelihood etc., But in typical me fashion, rather than just scaling back, I jumped onto a different track. I decided that it would be easier to let someone else make the decisions, where I could relax and be part of something bigger than myself.
If i am to be honest, I truly hoped that it would last for the rest of my career. That I could do this job well, make contributions, be of value etc., while I sat in my nice office, working with nice people in a company that treats people well. For a few minutes I actually believed that I finally had what I had worked so many years for, that I actually deserved. I also thought that I would be able to finish my education, have a few letters behind my name and that would be enough to proove myself to me.
Which leads me to the third part, me. At this age, I really should have grown up by now. I should know myself inside out and backwards, feel confident in myself, make choices that are correct for me. Yet I continue to cower and feel lesser than who I should be, or am already.
I was on the elipitical machine the other day and felt like crying. Ditto for the last time I was on my bicycle. What is up with that? I sure as hell am not afraid of losing this weight that I hide behind. Or am I? It was easy to hide away, stay inside when I was sick and I had a valid reason. But once I recovered, the fear of being sick or getting sick again, prevented me from doing any sort of exercise. You would think that based on that, I wouldnt be concerned about my appearance, but in fact it is just the opposite. Probably too much so, yet I am again inactive and stunned into nothingness when it comes to doing something for myself, taking care of myself etc., But put someone or anyone, any cause in front of me and I will give them 1000% of me. Yet on a core level, I simply will not do this for myself.
I must believe I am not worth it, or worthy. That if i am fit, healthy and attractive - there is nothing to hide behind and all my warts, fears etc., will be visible to all. I know others love me the way I am, but I dont. I have lied to myself so many times about losing the weight, I no longer believe my own words.
At some point, I also gave up on self discipline, which I loathe in others - so I recognize there is a lesson there. I have read so many books, listed to so many people about how to take care of myself, treat myself like I would treat my best friend - but when it comes down to it, again i do nothing.
Probably because I have this harsh belief that I must do it all perfectly and if there is even a small doubt, I shouldn't even start at all. The downfall of being a perfectionist through nature and nurture. i do want to get out of my own way and walk my own journey, just as I know others do.
How on earth can I be such an idiot. Should the journey my friend is taking not inspire me to take care of myself, to forgive myself for whatever I have done to myself and to allow myself the grace to just move on. One step at a time, one bite at a time - whatever it takes.
Being selfish is just about taking care of yourself first, but for a woman, that is a bad thing. I need to get that self judgement out of my head. I mean after all, on every one of the 8 flights I was on in January, they told me to put my own mask on first, before I helped anybody else. Surely they must be right? *lol*
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