What draws us to others pain?

I like most people in the world, have seen this picture on too many occasions to count, yet I cannot not stop finding it. I try not to look at it, to see what might happen and when I cannot find the answers I want, or hope enough to believe in the best - I usually stop looking.

Today I am not going to do that. I have left the story of this photo and the ultimate suicide by Kevin Carter - the photographer who took this picture, for a reason. But to be honest, I am not sure exactly what the reason is.

It is beyond horrific to imagine what might possibly have happened to this poor child, all alone, struggling to make it to the UN food camp. Even if the vulture wasn't standing there waiting. Yet the combination is something that imposes both horror and revulsion - yet also tears and frustration and grief.

It doesn't matter to me that this picture was taken almost 15 years ago, what it represents is something that I believe we all, at some time or another, are faced with. While there is a difference between hopelessness and helplessness - what it takes from the inside, to face and ultimately conquer them is the same. The only difference, to me anyways, is what happens on the outside. Inside we want to survive and thrive - and it doesn't matter where we are on Maslow's hierarchy - nothing matters unless those are achieved.

We all need both parts of ourselves to be fed and nourished - literally and figuratively speaking, it is just a matter of how it happens for each of us. I believe on some level, when we are going through our own learning experiences, we are presented with things that touch us and challenge us in equal measures. We are presented with our own pain to learn how to forgive others and we are presented with others pain to learn how to forgive ourselves.

Now I know that on some level that may seem backwards - but for me, that is how it works. When I am hurting or sad, I find inner peace and relief by looking at goodness in my outer world. Drawing on its strength to help me find the release I need to be freed at that time. Most times the pain I hold on to is something I can fix by letting it go. Letting go itself is an entirely interesting process and how it works is truly amazing. By looking from the inside out, things settle into their appropriate place and forgiveness becomes a natural thing, which in turn fosters the release.

The second part of needing to see, feel and touch other people's pain in order to forgive ourselves is harder to explain. In an effort to protect ourselves from feeling more pain or hurt than we think we can possible endure, we put up walls and boundaries. Most are healthy and necessary, but some are not and are burdens we may not realize we are carrying. When something about someone else and their situation touches us - and we feel it in that moment, it is resonating somewhere within us. Not that it is entirely the same, I don't mean that, I mean it ignites something that is dormant within us. Whether it is something we have hidden from or have not yet had the time to process - or even something we were not even aware we had to address, once that spark is felt, it continues to glow within each of us until it reaches its exact mark. Once we feel it, we cannot - not feel it, or undo its value and we are forced to face whatever it is.

Usually, for me anyways, if I can make myself stay with it, rather than hide it again, I find something about myself that I need to forgive and move past. It is a scary feeling to confront yourself - especially when the feelings are coming from inside instead of the usual out we are used to with aches and pains on the surface. This is a deep wound or hurt - of ourselves and usually from ourselves. We all know that nobody judges us as harshly as we do ourselves.
Once you stare whatever it is, straight in the face, it looses its power and it is done with.

It is such an easy process once it reaches that stage, yet we are all terrified to do this research into ourselves. Perhaps that is what draws us to each others pain - because on some level, we know that by sharing in it, it not only helps others, but it helps ourselves. I don't believe this is done on a mentally aware basis initially - I think it too comes from deep within us, our hearts, our souls and on a cellular level. It is who we are and how we are made.

I am going to try to continue to see how I feel and think when I react on an emotional level to anything that comes onto my path. I know it is there for a reason and if I stick with it long enough and stay open to whatever will come, I know for a fact, the end result will be good. It always has been... I just needed to take the blinders off to see it for what it was. I hope when you have had a chance to sit down and think of what it is that presses your buttons, you can see the gift it really is - as well as seeing what a gift you are providing others.

Free from fear...no longer getting in my own way...

Wow... the past month has been exciting and invigorating. Sorry for not getting here sooner. I hope what follows will explain my absence *lol*....

Where to start - the 3 Day Novel Contest. I finished it again this year - for the 6th consecutive year. I loved this year just as much as the first and am already looking forward to 2010. I am really pleased with my submission this year and think that no matter what happens contest wise, I will work on it myself. I think of everything that I have written so far, this has the potential to go further. I truly believe that and will honestly say I am going to have trouble waiting until January to see if I can go ahead and market it myself. I will keep you posted, but won't say anything about the actual details of the book until I can.

So.. next ...I have finished another one of my children's books. This is the one I have been working on with my girlfriend. It has taken a long time, but it was worth it. We are researching publishers and agents to decide which way to go, then will get our submissions/query letters ready and out there.

As you know I have been working on several others while we were in the editing process of this one, so I am truly excited to be getting back to the others now. It is my goal and intention to have 6 - 1 from each series idea - ready so when we do get accepted/picked up, we have a lot of other things to show them.

I have started doing the background, legal name searches etc,. for the company we will create together as the parent for our books etc., and have come up with two really good names that are available. Right now we are reviewing both to see if they could work for the Book store we are going to open as well, or if it is just the parent company name.

In another vein, I had what I think is a great idea for a new company. I spoke to my sister in law about it and she loved it and wants to partner with me on it. I have the website about 70% done and am doing the legal background work to get it all started and will be ready to share it with all of my friends soon. It is going to be a lot of work, but once it gets going, it is going to be amazing for everybody. I can feel that and am truly excited about it.

I must admit doing both of these things with other people is an interesting exercise. I am not used to partnering in this form and the patience required for the process is being learned. I know I have the time to do the work and get it done, but need to remember that others have different time commitments and cannot act on my schedule. I just get anxious because I am excited and have the time to get moving... *lol*

During this process I have still been doing my contract work and was just signed on for 5 more contracts with this one company. I am pleased with that because I know that I will have work at least until May 2010, which is a nice feeling. Knowing this schedule really helps me in several ways - knowing I have these paying projects coming up and their timing, offers me the money and time to work on my own thing in between.

I am really pleased that I finally got out of my own way and believed that I could do it. Because I am actually doing it now. Amazing...

These other two ventures will absolutely push me beyond this new comfort zone but that is good too. I have decided to never let fear keep me behind any door - especially the one that was keeping my own potential behind it. Never again...

I am so happy to be free of my own constraints....taking that first step was hard, but now it seems like a lifetime ago and I cannot imagine anything other than this... funny how that happens...

I can't wait for what is coming next and I am sooo excited to share it with each of you....

I hope you are living your life this free and are excited about whatever is coming next for you... if not, is there something you could be doing differently? Is there a way to get out from under your own fear? Is there anything I can do to help you?

Have a wonderful day - full of your own greatness and joy...

Getting ready for my next challenge...

I love this picture by Ben Tolman...thought I would leave this for you, since I start writing my novel tomorrow night and won't be around for a few days.

There is not much time now before the contest begins and I have a lot of research to do yet. I try not to do much of an outline because I try to work with the actual contest of writing a novel in 3 days - from concept to creation.

Perhaps I should have it pretty much all done by now and just ready to write it all down, but to me, that is not the spirit of the contest.

I'm making notes, doing background information and have a rough outline, but beyond that - nothing except a thought in my head and a few words I have written here and there...

I love this challenge and to me the thrill is in actually doing the writing and completing it by the end date. I dont ever expect to win, for me that is not the goal. For me it is to actually do it - and then see what else I can do!

I hope you spend the next few days challenging yourself to achieve even your wildest dreams... I know I will...

Until we meet again...

How do we know, what we know?

Well here we are again, another Monday. Why does time go so much quicker now that we are older? Even the times that used to drag on seem to go much faster. Are we just that much more aware of it, or it is because at some age we are ever mindful that it is fleeting and our days are never promised?

I know that events in our daily lives and in those that are in our close circle affect us as well. Good or bad.

But what is it within each of us that finds and assigns all of this information to a place within us so that it is accessible when and where we need it? Where does it get decided that we can only handle this much sadness before our awareness shuts down, where does it go? Who decides we can only handle this many dreams before they are stopped at a certain stage? Does the dream die or just go back to sleep?

What part of us decides each and every day to open our eyes, get our brains and bodies in gear and get on with this thing called living? I'm not saying its a bad thing - in fact the opposite, its fabulous. I just wonder how it all happens.

Like this tree - how does each branch know where to go? How to fall? How to grow a new sprout or leave from? Does it just happen organically? Is that the same for us? Does this tree have flow, chi, life force, spirit in the same way that we do, because obviously it is alive and growing?

Does this tree have any awareness of its own life cycle? Does it age differently once it has reached a certain amount of years? Does its growth pattern slow down? Do more leaves each year turn brown faster? Do less grow? How does it fight off the many rodents, insects etc., and stay healthy?

I'm really curious today about these sorts of things. Perhaps because of the mortality issues that came up this weekend or perhaps because of some switch that went off inside of me, unbeknownst to me, today this is where my thoughts are. See what I mean, where do our thoughts come from? How do they get processed into a way we can even wrap our mind around them to even be aware of them, much less consider them, ponder then and find an answer to?

I know this is done as part of the miracle of creation, but I wonder how much more can be gained within our selves if we can tap into this at will. Is there an infinite amount of wisdom we can attain based on our number of breaths, or it is simply a function of only how much we can reach within ourselves because we don't know how to get at the rest?

Did we have it all as a child and lose it because we were molded to think only certain ways by those who taught us what they knew? Do we lose access to this as we age or do we just forget out to get at it and use it? Do children access it when they use their imaginations at playtime? Is this kind of what we try to do when we meditate, try to access that part of ourselves that we have told to be quiet for so long in order to do mature, adult stuff?

What about being quiet and trying to access that part of us that makes us fall to sleep? Have you ever noticed that if you try too hard to meditate that you fall asleep instead? By repetitive prayer the same thing can happen. Perhaps it isn't sleep but a random state in between that we are lulled into by our own words and vibrations. But what happens then, in that state of awareness, once you acknowledge it, does it disappear? How can you acknowledge this place and work within it without losing that place all together?

I've been doing some research on the various brain waves, theta waves to be specific and how they can get past your ego and all the other barriers to get the messages to our innermost being. Ok.. sure... how do we do that? We can listen to someone elses prerecorded messages, but how do we know what they are actually saying because we cannot actually hear the vibration? Can we prerecord our own messages to be delivered to ourselves on that level? We are really kind of leaving it up to chance if we do it the other way, and are just hoping to feel something good to know that it is working. Doesn't mean I won't continue to try, because I decided to take that leap of faith and believe anybody recording this type of thing would be spiritually advanced enough to not want to take advantage of people wanting to grow.

Maybe it is is those theta messages that are making my mind expand enough to consider all of these things? The Universe is bringing all of things to me for myself personally and to ready me for the novel that I am going to write? Like the tree branches reaching outwardly, they all meet back at the same place, like my story does.

There are so many things I want to understand, so much I am afraid to miss. Yet I am absolutely confident that whatever I am here to experience, I will experience because I am open to it. Internally and externally. How do I know that? I couldn't say, I just know that I feel it and that I am, and that is good enough for me. Perhaps that is enough of an answer to my questions today... and I should just go out and enjoy it.

See you again soon...

Is grief really the same for all of us?

I've been trying to think about what to write today. I had some great ideas before I fell asleep last night, but they don't seem as brilliant in the light of day.

Today is the anniversary of my fathers death and I know that I am supposed to take this time to think of all the goodness and fun things we shared but I find that hard to do when I am sad.

As a child I don't think I knew or understood what death was or the impact it had on me at that time or moving forward. I don't think it ever really gets explained to us at that age, which is as it should be I guess. But when we become adults I don't think we even know then, what death means to us, or how to "get through" it.

You hear the adages like "time will heal" etc., and while I know that the pain does become more manageable and less all consuming in that moment, it doesn't really ever go away. It does change and you find some place within you of acceptance but is there a way to manage it while you are going through it?

I've seen the stages of grief that are common out there and I would imagine that they are fairly accurate, but I don't find knowing them to be helpful at all. Logically I know that the death and loss of someone will not kill me, but knowing the way I am going to feel does very little to actually help me get through it. Perhaps being able to look at this list shows me that what I am feeling is "normal" or that I am "progressing" through the stages - so that in and of itself helps, but I'm talking about the day to day things. That moment when your heart catches in your throat and you cannot hold back that deep inhale or exhalation of pain and fear that holds you tightly in its grip. That moment when you hear a certain song on the radio that you just cannot help but cry. That moment when the words get stuck in your throat so that you simply cannot speak. The moments when you feel your heart breaking into a thousand little pieces all around you and you are not sure if you can pick them all up again to regain yourself.

I know all of these feelings are "normal" and things we all go through, but is it different for each of us, or is it that sameness that gives us the empathy to help each other? Is that why we can hear a friends story and feel that familiar feeling within us and know how they feel? Is that how we know what to say when someone else is suffering? Is this how we heal ourselves, by helping others through their sorrow? Is this how we regain those shatters of our heart, but bringing them back together for someone else?

I was on the phone with a long time friend earlier today and his wife was diagnosed with her second cancer. As we all know - Second Cancers are worst than the first and are usually not well tolerated. I know with my dad, his first cancer was colon, his second cancer was the colon cancer migrating to his liver and lungs. It was terminal from the beginning but that still doesn't prevent you from hoping. Especially since he had reached the 5 year plus mark with the first cancer. But we were wrong. This was quick and devastating - and he was gone within 8 months. He turned 60, 22 days before he died.

My friends wife had breast cancer almost 6 years ago. Lost both breasts to the disease but survived and was at her 5 year, 8 month mark when it came back last month. She now has the breast cancer migrating to her bones, her spine, her kidneys, liver and above her right eye. It is not survivable, it is about treating her and managing things for her, for as long as her body and spirit are able to survive. Her family has been through this before, but this time I will imagine it is different. Knowing in advance it is terminal, somehow makes the treatments and quality of life in the meantime, seem so much different. I don't know how to keep up the fight knowing it is hopeless. At what time do you decide the cost of trying to stay alive is too much to bear? If not for yourself, for your loved ones. I'm not sure what desperation feels like - true desperation, but I hope that she finds enough time to make peace with her life and loved ones before her time with us is done. She is 44.

During our conversation he talked to me about another fellow and his wife that we have known for years - almost 20. While we are no longer close - for no particular reason other than life having taken us in different directions. His wife is also on her second cancer. Her breast cancer has now migrated to her brain. Her breast cancer was extremely aggressive and she has used her lifetime of chemo and radiation treatments so her options are quite limited. Her first surgery will leave blind in her right eye at the very least. Her diagnosis is also terminal. Perhaps she has less time to live than our friend above, but as we just saw with Ted Kennedy, from diagnosis to death is a rather quick journey for all those involved. I am not sure how she will say goodbye to her children or her family, it is something I cannot imagine. She is 41 and far too young.

In reading a book, to help me with my next novel, which must have obviously came to me to help me prepare for today, without me knowing what was coming I might add - I came upon a paragraph called "Healing the Second Layer: Sadness" It says "to penetrate this layer, we must cry. We must feel sad." It goes on to say "When you can't talk about certain events in your life without your lower lip quivering, you still have sadness left. When you have cried out all of your tears, its over. You're ready to move to the next layer."

I don't know how to cry enough tears to be ready for the next layer - for mum, dad or my friends. Yet I feel that I must in order to be of any help to them. If it was me, would I want my friends to sit and cry with me to share the pain or would I want to see their strength? I really don't know. I think I would probably want both - for them to share my pain with me but to also share their strength so I would be able to find some joy in whatever time I had left.

Do the stages of grief that I spoke of earlier - do they help with things like this? How can they possibly be the same if you have advance knowledge of what is to happen? How is knowing you are going to die from a disease, the same as having lost someone in a car accident? Are the stages the same for all of us, for my friends, their partners, children, families? How can that be?

I used to struggle with the idea of not wanting to know, versus knowing and having time and in fact, I'm not sure if this is a coincidence, but this is actually the basis of the novel I am writing for this years 3 Day Novel Contest. I imagine the universe is bringing all of the elements together for me to actually be able to consider both sides of this for my book. I've been struggling a little bit with how to make it work, how to be real, but as of today with my latest phone call, I now have the "tools" I need to make an accurate story.

Perhaps this will be my tribute to them. In fact, I will dedicate this book to them. I don't know what else to say today other than I miss mum, my dad and I feel so sad for my two friends, their husbands and their families. Distance means nothing when the chips are down, time is only a measure of what is left, not of what has come before or what will come next. We need a new way to measure that... and only time will tell.

I hope that I am not being selfish by writing about my family and friends as a way to find peace and deal with what I feel about the various situations, I just don't know what else to do right now. So I will do what comes naturally and what has always been my answer...

Talk to you again soon....

Freedom from the inside out...

Do you ever wonder what personal freedom is? What it means? How it affects you every day?

Do we really know what freedom is or it is just a concept from times gone by that we struggle with, yet want to feel that we are living within its gifts?

On a personal level, the concept gets even harder to sort out. Especially once the bigger issues like homes, lodging, security, stability, safety etc,. are all taken care of. Ok.. so Maslow's needs are out of the way, but what now? Are we ever taught what to do to feel free within ourselves? It is some obscure concept that we continually reach for or is it so hidden within that it only comes to our awareness when we see photos like this? How many of us would love to do that, have that feeling? Heck to even have thought of it?

When I see pictures like this it reminds me of how I want to feel each and every day. I want to live that joy, with courage, honor, integrity and truly feel it. I want the bliss of that moment, for as many moments I can have it. Maybe that is selfish but you know what - I really dont care. Me being happy is good for me. I'm not saying I want it at the expense of other people. But honestly, what could it actually cost me or anyone else to run across the beach in a red dress??? See... I thought you would see it my way.

I think I might even suggest this for a group of friends that meet once a month. Just as an opportunity to be free, laugh without holding anything back and who the heck cares what happens next. I wonder if that is what truly living in the moment is?

I know I keep on getting in my own way and perhaps I need a symbolic gesture to get rid of the fear that I know is behind it. So... I am going to do it. I'm now going to search for the right red dress. You are welcome to join me, but if you don't - just try to find your own red dress moment. If you cannot live your entire life with the freedom you want, try to find it in a truly elegant, sumptuous moment that you share with yourself. I think I am going to really indulge and go to a local Confection store on the way so when I am done running, I can sit in the sand in the dress I love, but dont care about getting wet or full of sand (yes, I know that will be hard) and have my cake and eat it too!

What are you going to do to get out of your own way? What is your personal gesture to yourself, because you know, that is all that really matters.

Perfect Moments are Signs...

As you know, I believe in the Law of Attraction and how we are all energy and connected to each other.

Today was another reminder of just how true that is for me, and how synchronicity is just perfect.

I ran into an old friend today that I hadn't seen in a few years. We hadn't parted on bad terms or anything like that, life just had us on different paths that didn't seem to cross as often. Yet today couldn't have been designed or planned any better.

After our 3 1/2 hour "lunch" I came away completely energized and beyond happy. My friend and I had, from my perspective, learned more about each other in those few hours, than we had in the previous ten years of knowing each other. Perhaps it is because we finally had the one on one time to learn these things or perhaps we are just in the same place at that same time right now.

NO, we are not living identical lives, but I mean spiritually - as in what we are looking for within and with out. I think it is amazing that by learning to be more of ourselves, we sometimes find we have more to share with others. I'm not sure how that works exactly but I find it to be true and have done, on many occasions. Perhaps it is because the more comfortable we are with ourselves the more we feel free to share with others and the universe we are exploring? Maybe it is just because finally being open to experience life, brings all of those who are living their lives, into our energy field because we are now attracting like minded people.

Sitting with my friend today, while I hope we did equal amounts of talking and I didnt take over too much in my excitement to see her, was amazing. I had the opportunity to see her blossom beyond perhaps what she had ever dreamed for herself, or perhaps had not even known she had given up on previously. I suspect, more accurately is that she just got lost along the way and didnt even realize it until she realized she no longer felt alive. I can say that without malice or judgement because I was once in her shoes.

Sometimes you are able to learn and grow with the people that are in your life and sometimes it takes some pretty heavy weeding of yourself and your garden. To be strong and courageous enough to put yourself, your life, your wants and your needs first - is one of the best gifts you will ever give yourself. Once you are your own person, you then have so much to give others - old and new. That old saying really is true about taking care of yourself will make you able to make others happy as well. I just never got it as clearly as I did today in seeing my friend.

If I am to be honest, I also enjoyed sharing this journey with her because it reminded me of what I have learned and brought into my own life as well and just how grateful I am that I learned the things I did. I know.. big run on sentence. But you get the idea. I hope that doesnt sound too selfish, but it felt good to know I wasnt alone and wasnt the only woman that felt this way.

Married or not, taking care of ourselves, becoming who we truly are, following our own dreams as well as being part of others - these are all small parts of the entire being that we are. We cannot cut out any one part or it just simply wont work.

I am so happy for my friend with her "new" life and her "new" journey and I am so proud to be part of it with her. I know that no matter what, todays perfect moment was to show us both, that we are on the right path. I know I look for signs - and today, for me, she was it!

Thank you Universe... thank you friend... xxoo

It's been a busy two weeks....

I would be remiss if I didn't start this posting with a message of love. Today would have been my fathers' 63rd birthday if he was still alive.

While we didn't always have the best of relationships while he was alive, we don't have one at all now - and trust me, that is worse.

I have his picture on the mantle and I talk to him now. I have the conversations with him that I wish we would have had while he was still alive.

I know somewhere he hears me and that we have both forgiven each other for our human frailties, imperfections and judgments. I also know that without a doubt I love my father very much, just as he loved me too. I now remember even the smallest of details of our relationship and cherish them, vow to hold on to them.

My only regret if that is the word to use, is that I came to this place of forgiveness and realization when it was too late to do anything about it. On some level I am still mourning the 'what could have been" as well as the man I knew and the man I wished I had known.

Perhaps that is what it should be...Happy Birthday Dad... I love you and miss you.

Now back to regular business where has the time gone? One of my wonderful friends took me to the taping of "Dr. John Gray - Women on Fire, Men on Ice" for PBS the other day. I love a lot of his relationship and life advise, and this was no different. What was different however was knowing you were being taped the entire time and the release of our images for future use. *lol*... I do now have to watch PBS to see what I can see. *lol*

As you all know it is my dream to be a successful, paid writer/author and while I continue to work in that regard, I have tried to figure out a way to keep myself in the "world loop" and be an active participant within it. I also wanted to feel like I was being productive financially and not just relying on my husband for support. That isn't to say he is anything but supportive in all ways, its just something I wanted to do, for me. So.. I started my own business.

The goal was to be able to work from home so I could continue writing as and when I wanted to, in order to get my books - both the childrens' books I do with another friend and the fiction novels I write myself, published and on their way to being New York Times best sellers. I also wanted to make some seed money so I could partner with my friend and open up a childrens' book store and continue to purchase investment properties.

So.. I put that out to the universe and within two days, had two paying clients. Right now we are hourly until we sort out the details of our situation together, but both clients want me on retainer for long term contracts.Then yesterday, seemingly out of nowhere I had another friend ask me if I would co-write a book with her. Absolutely! I can hardly believe it but I am truly excited about it and it feels good inside. I'm on my way and it feels wonderful and I am so very grateful. I have a wonderful life that I do not take for granted, even for a moment.

Well I should go for now, but I just wanted to share the joy I am feeling with those in my life. I wish the very same for each of you. We'll talk again soon.

Be your own perfect reflection...

Today I am filled with thoughts of just how the universe works. I believe in the law of attraction, I believe in the golden rule and I believe that what you need is given to you exactly when you need it. I am sure these are all connected and are a result of each other, but how does it happen? I think that is why I liked this picture for today's post. How does the Universe itself create such a perfect reflection of what is going on internally - externally?

When you heart is looking for a true friend - where does the Universe find them and how do it know how to present you to each other in a non threatening, non invasive - safe way? How does it know which opportunities to present to you and which ones to send in another direction?

Is any of this in direct correlation to how open we are with ourselves and our own personal truths? I know that I have been on my own personal path of truth for a few years now - at least five. When I took a moment to stop - ok it was a forced moment - but the end result was the same, I had no idea how much chaos had surrounded my life. Not from my life specifically but from those I had chosen to surround myself with. From those I had chosen to share myself and my life with - those people called friends.

I had been so busy trying to "live" what I thought "living life" was, being a good friend etc., - I was missing the boat. During all of this time I had always felt the need to search, to learn and to grow - but didn't always know what I was looking for or why. In hindsight I can now see it was my soul pushing, prodding and poking me to get out of these chaotic friendships that were pushing me farther away from my true self. I had gone so far into the chaos that when it stopped, I felt like I was seeing for the first time.

Emerging from that was an incredible gift. Many years ago a friend "S" told me I would be looking for this freedom, path of truth - but when she told me, I had no idea what she was talking about. But after the drama ended I called and asked her if this was what she had "seen" and been referring to. She confirmed that it was her vision and that I would be continuing along this path of truth and spiritualness and that some in my life wouldn't like it, would feel threatened and/or challenged by it and would no longer be in my life.

True enough, that is what happened. Surprisingly though - I do not miss those people one ounce. I called it "weeding my garden", others use the "Reason, Season or Lifetime" to explain the changes away, but either way, letting go of what no longer serves us is the only way we can open ourselves to what is coming. If we have no room within us, the goodness will have no place to land and settle in.

My journey to date - from that abrupt starting point on December 13, 2005 - has been incredible. Feeling the freedom to be my true self, to put myself out there without feeling like I have to hide - has been amazing. A huge adjustment to be true - but amazing none the less. I love not having to "Play a role" as anything other than myself in my friendships. Honestly, it is only in hindsight that I realized I felt the need to do that before. Not sure how self imposed it was, but it was something that emotionally and physically taxing and I am so glad I no longer carry that weight.

I love being able to put myself forward (when I am ready to feel that vulnerable of course) and be ok with whatever happens. I know it will not change who I am inside and I trust that who and what should be in my life - are and will be.

Perhaps being sick for the last 18 months has had a lot to do with my perception of things, and if that is one of the gifts that resulted from this - I am grateful. As we all know I don't get the subtle messages - I need to be hit over a head. Perhaps the illness was to show me I had gotten off track again, perhaps it was showing me the true strength I had inside, the courage I had within me to make the changes I never thought I could make. I do know that it taught me to believe in myself, trust my instinct and how to be my own champion. Perhaps I needed it so I could follow my dreams... Perhaps it was just the universe making it happen. The reflection of my inside life on my outside... not the illness, but the opportunity it presented me with. Literally.

What is the Universe doing for you right now? What subtle and not so subtle messages are you sending to yourself and those around you? Are you surrounding yourself - unknowingly - with people who will hold you back, while they pursue their own dreams and goals around you? Who in your life is lifting you up? Encouraging and supporting you as you learn and grow - within and outwardly out? What are you attracting & creating for yourself? What parts of you are you ignoring out of fear? What are you doing to make your insides match your outsides and be that pefect reflection?


Photo credit: "Perfect Reflection" by Laurent Bianchi.

Do we ever really know the people who stand beside us?

Apparently I have a lot to say today and am also not done with the Terra Cotta Warriors/Soldiers (see Writing is Good for the Soul blog for the other posting).

The last few days, as described earlier have also really made me question people in general. Not the friends and acquaintances I have in specific - but humanity in general. Take for example this morning - some drunk fellow went into a friends backyard - lunging himself at her front door as if to gain entrance, when he was refused he then went to another friends house and broke through her gate. I'm not sure what he was after - but the entire incident in and of itself is a little frightening. What if he had gained entrance to either home? What were his intentions, what could he have accomplished in his state? What on earth was he doing that drunk at 5am in the morning? What was his state of mind - do we really want to know?

The day before, as we came out of our home to take our dad for his surgery - we noticed someone had keyed our car. The very same car that was hit and run outside our home the week before. The same car that had all four tires slashed because I dared to look out of my window at the wrong time and some reprobate thought I was going to report him for his illegal activities. Where originally I wasn't going to - once he slashed my tires, he ensured what he didn't want to happen - happened.

I want to believe for the most part people are good, but things like this really make me think. They make me wonder how much we are products of our environments or simply of our choices. These people obviously live in the same community as I do - and I do not act that way, so it is not simply a choice made my simple geography. I see them, their homes and belongings and do not make a choice to damage or destroy them simply because they exist and I do not like them. Why do some people feel the need to do these things - and that they have the right or option to actually do so? I was not raised to believe I had the choice or option to touch someone else's things - I was taught to respect and value them, even more so if they were not my own. It would never cross my mind to hurt or damage something or someone - whether they were mine or not.

I think perhaps this bothers me today for more than just the obvious reason. It is also because I am struggling to find peace with the "lady" that shares my dad's life. After mom passed this woman told him she fell in love with him at our mom's funeral. I cannot tell you how inappropriate I find this - on all counts. They had been longtime friends - so I find it even more intolerable, but I seem to be alone in this regard.

In the two years that have passed this woman has ingratiated herself into his life and his world, at the expense of our family, and for some reason he hasn't noticed. Perhaps it is because she has kept him ill for the last 10 months - he has been too busy trying to keep hold of his health and sanity, while she steadfastly kept on with her own plan.

She booked him a cruise with her family over Christmas - at the expense of his own, same with Thanksgiving. She gave him tremendous amounts of grief for attending an annual family event - one we graciously invited her to join with us as a sign of some respect for her place in his life, that she accepted and then declined at the last moment. She let his health deteriorate without offering him help or any sort of assistance - while ensuring we were kept at a distance. She has steadfastly been improving her place in his life by keeping him ill and needing her - so much so that now he will hear not a word against her.

Where once he told us he would never marry again - she proudly displays a diamond promise ring she says he bought her, he has been too ill to comment or confront in this regard - and she always brings up this topic when he is not around.

Where once he told us he did not want to share homes or have a roommate again - she is constantly barraging us with stories of their house hunting and their plants for setting up home together.

When we agreed on specific details for his surgery, treatment and follow up - she went behind our backs, changed them all and did what she wanted, not what we wanted or was best for him.

When he called her in pain to take him to emergency she made him wait almost 4 hours while she pet sat her daughters dog. When she finally did take him - she left him there by himself, with no id, no wallet, no house keys and didn't tell any of his family until several hours later - when she had again gone home to take care of the dog. For some reason she felt the need to take his personal belongings from him, go to his house unattended, call us from there and then leave to take care of this dog. This makes no sense to me. In his morphine state in the emergency ward he told us of his fears for her casual attitude towards his health, but in the same breath apologized for being so strong with her when he asked her to take him to emergency.

All of her conversations are about her, her desire to continue her travels and get back to her life that he has taken from her with all this wasted time. Does she not realize he was sick and could have died? That the ten months she sat by and watched him waste away may cost him more than he can repair at his age of 75? Is this what love is - I think not.

Yet she stands beside him and professes her love... as we try to do our best to get him healthy and to protect him from this type of "love", I really do wonder... do we ever really know the people who stand beside us??

You never really stop loving someone, you just learn to try to live without them....

Where to start? It's been a rough few days...

Let's start with last week and my birthday. The exact day started with the knowledge that we were going to a memorial service for a family member. Hard to celebrate and be happy - even though on some level you know that sharing memories of a lost loved one is a great way to in fact celebrate their lives. I also know logically that what you feel is directly related to the impact this person has had on your life. That said, I was completely unprepared for what else happened that day. I saw my father in law - whom I call Dad - for the first time in a while and he looked more dead than alive. Having lost both mom and my dad last year - I do not say that lightly. The problem - besides his actual health? That I wasn't actually surprised. Let me explain.

Last year I went to see an amazing woman called "A" who was so perfect in her reading that I came away stunned and had to tell my family and friends about her. A few months ago I just felt the impulse to call her to schedule another appointment. As usual, she had a 3 month waiting period. Which as always - ends up being exactly what you need, when you need it. The day I saw her - she spoke to both my mom and dad, as she had before - but this time rather than just messages of love and remembrance, there were warnings and items to act on.

First about my car, driving it and how to avoid the accident that was about to happen. The second was about how ill dad really was and how with mom gone, I had to step in and take control or he would be gone by January. The third was about dad's family in England and that mom was with them, watching over them. The first point I took to heart and did exactly what was said. I'm not sure if I avoided the accident that was foretold by following their advise, but in my mind - I cannot entirely dismiss it either.

The third part made me feel comfortable to know that mom was watching over the family she had married into almost 50 years ago. She had no words of warning or how to help, just that she was there and knew what was going on.

The second part however, went on in great detail. The specifics of his health, how bad it was. How stubborn he was being, how his new lady friend - while being a companion, was not in fact taking care of his health and he was too ill too see it, or do anything about it or for himself any longer. I knew I had to act and two days later when I saw him - I knew mom had sent me the message for a reason. She told me I was the only one in the family that could do what needed to be done and that she needed me to do it now that she was no longer here. She said I was her daughter and needed to pick up where she left off and she would help me find a way.

When I saw him last Wednesday that was the proof and I went immediately into action. I did manage to get him in to have surgery yesterday -for which I am eternally grateful. At least now part of his illness will be managed. The rest remains to be seen. I am struggling with the fact that I did not act sooner - while fully knowing that he did not let any of us know how sick he was and did not allow opportunity to accept any sort of help. I also know that in my role within our family - this will be the tasks listed under my column. I do not mean that in any negative way - I just know it is mine and have accepted it with love. I will do it for him, for mom and for the rest of my family. We all have our roles and this is now part of mine.

I'm not sure exactly what I believe and I know I probably haven't said enough of the story here - but some of it is too private - yes, despite having this blog on the net. I know mom got the messages to me that I needed to get, that the family needed and I am grateful. This is the second time that I have been able to cross the barrier with the help of "A" and it really makes me think about what happens next...

I am going to do whatever I can to explore that further and continue along those lines... perhaps find a way to write about it in one of my novels... after all, all of us writers use our own lives and experiences as inspiration...and in that way, I am no different...

I'm not sure I got everything that I want to say out for today.. so I may be back.. I might add a new post or even edit this one... just looking for more clarity... but I do hope you find what you are looking for today...

No longer the tired Superhero....

This picture is called Ballad to a tired Superhero but I haven't been able to find out by who, so please let me know if you know.. and I will mention the correct credits or remove as requested.

I love this picture because it reminds me so much of what happens in our lives each and every day. We all have such high expectations of both ourselves and of others. We also strive to meet and exceed what we are personally capable of and end up tired, over used, exhausted and overwhelmed by what is left behind. This then creates yet another thing we need to fix.

When exactly did we sign up for this roller coaster or treadmill? I don't recall signing my life away on any form and I don't recall meeting the Smiths or Jones or whomever I am supposed to be keeping up with. I'm just trying to live a good, honest and productive life and have the audacity to want to enjoy it at the same time. Imagine! I know... I know.. such a dreamer...

I am like everybody else I know creating a life that supports and encourages me - each and every day, through the choices that I make, the thoughts that I have and the people I surround myself with. Opportunities and examples abound - but why is that when we get closer to our dreams that we continually step on our own feet, get caught in our own superhero capes? I have no problem whatsoever in helping everybody else reach their own goals - but cannot quite grasp making my own happen. That is not to say I am unhappy because the exact opposite is true - I love my life and I love the direction I am moving in. I just wonder how to move forward without getting tired by giving too much of myself to others and not enough to myself?

I want to concentrate on my writing to give it an honest chance, yet I find myself crawling back to my previous comfort zone any time my muse is taking a well deserved vacation. It's not that I don't believe in myself, because I do - I really do. I have no doubts I will succeed, but it is just this simple - I have never prepared myself for success. Accepting failure is a norm we are all prepared for during our lives and is somehow more acceptable than succeeding. I'm not sure how or why that happened or if it was just something created by those that didn't ever find their way and were looking for an excuse to not feel bad. Accept mediocrity - never. Accept success - see that is a hard one.

Perhaps if I become more clear on what my idea of success is that will help. My idea of success is to be well compensated, be able to work from the privacy of my own home, have the money to have all the choices I want to make, to have time with my husband, to experience the things I want from life, to have the money to give back in enough of a way to make a difference. I know money isn't a panacea for life but it does help to get some of the things done that we want to achieve. That old saying of it takes money to make money is true, but it also takes money to make a difference. Yes I volunteer and do other good deeds, but I want to make a difference on a larger scale. That is why I write. I want to affect people, I want to change thinking, I want to make people feel something - anything. I want to have not lived in vain and to have wasted my time here on this planet.

I have so much to do, so much I want to do and so much time to do it... I'm healthy again am I'm working on everything all at once. I just don't want to be that tired superhero I was trying to be ever again. There, I put it all out there - I want to succeed, I want to put myself out there, I want all of the things I dreamed for myself to happen. There Universe - make that happen. I dare you...

We are better because you were here... Thank you..

I grew up with you and am so very grateful you were here on this planet with us. I am so glad you thrived despite the inhumanity that surrounded you and took so much of your life force and energy away. All you ever tried to do was to live and love through your music. You gave for your entire life and I only hope you knew then and now how much we love you and always have. Rest in peace now that you are free to live your joy. See you when my time is done... I can't wait to hear what you will have ready for us when we get there.

Keep smiling Michael... with love and thanks.

Happy Canada Day!

" Canada Day is an opportunity to gather in our communities, from coast to coast to coast, and to proudly celebrate all we have in common. It is an opportunity to celebrate our achievements, which were born in the audacious vision and shared values of our ancestors, and which are voiced in nearly all of the languages of the world through the contribution of new Canadians.

Canada Day is a time to celebrate the heritage passed down to us through the works of our authors, poets, artists and performers. It is a time to rejoice in the discoveries of our scientific researchers, in the success of our entrepreneurs, and to commemorate our history - a history in which each new chapter reveals itself to be more touching, more fascinating than the last.

As we look ahead, we have every reason to face the future with confidence and enthusiasm."

Copied from: http://www.pch.gc.ca/special/canada/11/canada-eng.cfm

Does there always have to be a winner?

I love this photo by Paul Burland - it captures so many moods and has the capacity to make you feel endless things - all in one moment, in one breath.

Perhaps that is what writing does as well. It captures something and allows yet another thing to live, to survive where it might not have otherwise.

I think it is interesting to see what happens when we take the blinders or filters off and just allow ourselves - our person and our thoughts, to just be. I wonder how much we would learn of our true selves, our motivations and even our fears. I have been told on more than one occasion that I think too much. Maybe I do - but it is all relative. I think in order to process things, to find my peace with it, to find my centre and then my actions based on the information. I guess that makes me a logical person. I would consider myself a more emotional person, empathetic but I have to say that I do like the logical part of me that can plan for and get to the next step.

I wonder how logic and fear do in battle? Are they partners or would one ultimately win out over the other? Does there always have to be a winner and a loser? I don't think so. But then again, perhaps that is the emotional side of me not wanting anybody to get hurt... *lol*..

See you later...

The Universe Keeps Track

I've been working to get back here and now here I am. It's funny, this thing I have created for myself called my life. It just takes a moment to realize that I have what I have always wanted - and now just need to actually do it. I keep on getting stuck back on that wheel somehow and it takes me a bit to figure it out again. Thank goodness the universe is listening to me and keeping me on track when I stumble.

My goal is to be here every day - no matter what, to say something. I will only write on the health blog when there is something to say about health and on the writing blog when something about writing is happening.

I hope you have had a wonderful day and I will see you again soon.

I'm so grateful...

To be feeling well and healthy again. It has been a tough 14 months but I am now on the other side and can see and embrace the sunshine again. For those of you who have been reading my blogs - you will notice that I have three. One was for my health, one for my writing and one for general. I have left the other two where they are, but will only be updating Damaged Bricks and Writing is Good for the Soul as they are the only ones relevant.

I look forward to continuing on this path and am so glad to be sharing this with each of you. Until we meet again...