This picture is from frametoframe.ca - thanks for the usage!
So, what do owls represent; knowledge, wiseness? They seem to represent so much more than their feathers and bones. What is it, that they know behind those eyes? What is it that I want to see when I look at them? I am not really sure what I am seeking...
Why do we seek out signs, talismen and the like? So we will know when to stop or start? To measure our success or failure? Because we have lost the ability to trust our internal guidance systems and instincts and instead prefer to relinquish control to external forces so we have no responsibility? Because our bodies or minds have seemingly betrayed us and we are looking for a way back to ourselves?
Today, I am looking for signs just because I want to. I want to see something good, something life reaffirming. I want to connect to something other than the thoughts and dialogues that have been in my own head. Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in the here and now, that we forget there is a world outside of our current experiences. Disconnecting as a coping mechanism is quite common, the struggle is to stay connected when things hurt to much, or when there are no answers to be found.
My friend is in week 4 of his stage cancer treatment now, with just horrific struggles already and he isnt even half way through, or at the hardest parts yet. Put plain and simple, everything that could go wrong - and more, is happening. He was supposed to be in the hospital for 1 day last week, and it has now been for the last 10 days and they have no idea when he will get out now. Yet every day he must continue his treatment, that only makes him weaker and sicker. He can no longer speak or eat - at all. His IV pole is permanently full - with liquid methadone, an anti nausea agent, hydration and his food. Each run 24/7. He also has a pain path, a ventilator and an aspiration machine and his own team of 3 nurses. (Who are fabulous by the way) While he was reduced to a smaller version of himself, he disappears before my eyes almost every day. Even worse, there is now this weary glassiness in his eyes and for someone formerly so vibrant, this is so hard to see. For the past few days, the doctors havent allowed any visitors, he cannot even text he is so sick.
On the weekend in between my homework and taking care of my own throat/sinus infection, I wondered seriously, why they don't put people into medically induced coma's for this sort of thing. Surely it would be easier, less soul destroying?
(For those that know I write, that is going to be the topic of my next 3 Day Novel Contest. The same contest I talk about on my other blog and have done for the past 10 years. I will speak more about this there.)
As much as I try to get all of this to stay out of my mind, it really never goes very far. I know the amount of my upset is in direct proportion to how much love this man, his wife and family, have shared with my husband and myself. I know this is a good thing, to love and be loved.
I am watching his wife and children slowly change into shadows of their former selves as well. The children out of fear of what they don't understand and his wife, from what she does.
I take on as much as I can so they can be safe with me and release whatever they need to be strong and get through this, or even just help with the breakdowns when they come, then I release it all here. For those of you who have been worried about me, I am fine. This is just my "safe place" to let it all out so I can be as strong as I need to be the rest of the time.
The other day was particularly hard and my fears got the better of me so I took it out on myself. I dont know how to do this half way. I have always been an "in 1000% or out 1000%" type of person, not so good on the grey areas. I know that is where the grace is and something I need to cultivate. I will when I can, but for today, I just want to watch for an owl or two...
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