The Power of Liberation

Day 8 - The Power of Liberation

Wow, it's been a week already. Lots of hard work, but I think we are all seeing how our old beliefs, patterns and habits no longer serve us.

So, next we need to build on that and reinvent ourselves, to move out of the past and open up the present. To be free of what we have held ourselves captive with.

Can you spend a few minutes to really imagine what a life free of your past really feels like? Emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Now that you can imagine it, it is imperative to let go of the past to achieve this new way of being.

The change agent for this is called liberation.  It will ignite the power to release all that reminds you of the past. Everything that is a sign or symbolic of your anger, suffering, pain etc,, everything that keeps you attached to the old things.

Today we stop hiding behind them, drop the weight of the past. We can thank it for its gift and then send it on its way. Let it go.

From now on, anything that is unnecessary, let go of. How you ask? Start by looking at your immediate surroundings. Closets, medicine cabinets, beside tables etc., spend 15 minutes going through these places and throw out anything that was old, outdated etc., If you have more time, spend more time. Go through more places, tackle the fridge, under the sink etc.,

What action can you take to get to your goal more quickly?  What could you do that would allow the feeling you are looking for?

Remember, during all of this, think " I am liberated from my past, a far better future is waiting for me. I am on my way and don't want these unnecessary things taking my space."

The Gift of Self Acknowledgment

Day 7 - the Gift of SelfAcknowledgement

For the past few days we have been unhooking our pasts and altering the fabric of our lives to this point in time. We are now deliberately creating our best selves.

Today's change agent is self acknowledgement and it basically boosts your emotional and spiritual immunity. It gives you strength to release your past and rise above fear, doubt or resignation.

By affirming our own gifts and accomplishments, we build our confidence and increase our ability to build a brighter future.

We are creating the inner conditions necessary to step into the next greatest evolution of ourselves. Yes there's is a stronger, more vibrant, inspired version of us that is waiting to emerge.

Today is 100% about you. The best of you. Focusing on all you have achieved, qualities you like about yourself and contributions you have made to others.

What do you value about yourself and all that is going well with you life?

Like yesterday, imagine that your resistance to you emotion is fear. Listen to that fear and the judgements you hold in that space. Write down everything you hear.

What action can you take today to support your goals? What could you do to activate the feelings of your goal?

We will get back to Sun Tzu tomorrow.

The Gift of Surrender

Day 6 - The Gift of Surrender

So yesterday was pretty powerful. I am not sure it is over yet, especially with the 16 day committment that we made to ourselves, which I believe is great. I need to continue and remind myself of what I discovered yesterday. I don't know about you, but it was the hardest and most uncomfortable day of this effort. I believe this is natural as we uncover this top layer of our inner world.  Are you ready for whatever comes next? I am....

Ah, they say today the tide turns.  Can you imagine or estimate how much time and energy we spend (waste) in trying to avoid, change, fix or deny our feelings? Especially those ones that hurt us to the core - like hurt, jealousy, loneliness, shame, rage and grief? More soberering perhaps is the thought that somewhere along the line we decided we had to handle all of this on our own.

Today, invoke the agent of change known as Surrender and create an environment of tolerance and space within yourself.  Easier said than done.... Debbie says to surrender to our emotions and simply allow them to exist.  Apparently if we stop resisting them, we will realize they are our friends.  They are our soul's way to communicate with us and are meant to guide and inform us.  She says when we allow our emotions to be as they are, something magical happens (I could use some magic).. .she says they pass right through you.  The moment you surrender and allow them, they will be transformed into fuel for our soul. (It can't really be this simple can it???)

Imagine your resistance to your emotion is based on fear. (Good assumption I'd say). Tune into the voice of fear and listen to the judgements you hold on these emotions, then write down everything you hear yourself saying & thinking.

Like every day so far, what action step can you take to further support yourself in your goals? Can you do it today? If not, put it in your schedule so you don't forget, and make it a priority.  For your inside part, what do you need to do to feel the way you want to feel once you have accomplished your goal?  Do you remember what that is like? Find out, find a way to remember... today.

I have heard from a few of you that even today you are not quite done with yesterday. Don't worry, take this at your own pace, it isnt a race. If it takes you 31 days to do the 21 day consiousness cleanse, that is ok, this is your own personal journey.

That said, I agree with you. Yesterday and today have been pretty big, so I will leave Sun Tzu until tomorrow so you can have the time you need to centre yourself and be ready to move forward.  But try to remember to surrender to the process....

The Gift of Reverence

Day 5 - Gift of Reverence

Wow, yesterday was so powerful. I wonder how it will get better than that. Now that you have forgiven/released the negatives and perceptions that were holding you hostage, you ready for a sweeter life without bitterness and resentments.

That leaves a vacancy for the deep respect that defines today's agent of change - reverence.

The past 4 days have been about clearing our consciousness on the mental and emotional levels and today we turn to our body - the outward manifestation of your/our consciousness. Gulp.

Today is learning to release any habitual ways of looking at or talking about your body. Today, we learn to approach it with reverence, valuing it and honoring it.  When you know and accept that you move differently, you treat yourself differently with gratitude and humility. When you treat yourself with kindness and high regard, your body becomes the centre of quiet joy rather than the battlefield for your ego.

No matter what your physical suffering, physical ailments or spiritual emptiness, the more love you give your body, the better you will feel. (Can it really be this simple??)  The more attention you give to your "container", the more power, beauty and grace it can hold. 

To step into reverence for your body, you must pardon yourself for all you have done and not done to take care of it. You must bless what workds and accept and embrace all you perceive to be wrong. You must bring your attention to the beautiful job it does each day to keep you in the game of life and bless it for the opportunity it gives you to evolve your soul.

Bless your body and it will bless you back.

So... sounds easy right? I know.. kidding, but this is what it says...  write a letter to your body asking for forgiveness for those things you are sorry for.

Then identify one thing you can give up for the next 16 days to increase your level of reverence.  What habit, behaviour, belief or self talk violates the respect, dignity, honor and tenderness you have for your body?

What could you to do feel as if you had already done this, made it a part of your daily behaviour - loving, valuing and treating yourself well. Imagine that and feel it now.

Sun Tzu - Passion Fuels the Spirit

Every woman has her own sources of motivation and inspiration. What are yours? Whatever your goal, passion must be at the core of what you do and why you do it.  You must care deeply for you you work with and for. (Even yourself).  If not, you will not be able to sustain that passion.

Your passion defines who you are. It will give you the stamina to win victory after victory. Your work reveals what you care about and the depth of your committment.  What does your passion and how you apply it, say about you?

The Gift of Forgiveness

Day 4 - The Gift of Forgiveness

Before I even get started, I know this is something that I struggle with. I can feel it in my stomach and I haven't even read the lesson.

So today is about transcending limitations and forming positive new patterns of life based on who you know you can be, rather than who you were yesterday.  We must give up the former modes of thinking, feeling and behaving that keep us chained to our past.

This next change agent, one of the most liberating, is forgiveness.  Really, it is releasing the invisible ties to those who have left you, betrayed you, hurt or disappointed you, including yourself.  When you can forgive, you will open yourself up to higher realms of everything - love, joy, happiness and peace to name a few.

If you/we don't release these ties, we will remained imprisoned by these people/incidents for the rest of our lives.  And because our outside world is an exact reflection of our inside world (you might need to read that again, I know I did... a few times) these resentments, hurts, grudges etc., are situations that we re-create continually that spark the very same bad/hurt feelings we want to escape. So essentially we are the only ones keeping this alive within us. Those who have hurt us etc., have long moved on and were most likely never aware of their impact.

Resentment and grudges are two of the main culprits that keep us in the same self abuse and victim mentalities. They stay inside us and act like parasites and deplete and eventually destroy the life, energy, self worth, joy and love from us.

Today is about fighting back, getting rid of more toxins and ties that keep us from ourselves.  From connecting with ourselves, our hearts, our happiness and so much more.

As you say goodbye to the disappointments, the grief, you will discover that every person, situation and painful incident comes with its own gift.  These gifts free you of the pain that has caused you to react instead, to shut down instead of open up, to push away rather than to allow in and to judge rather than love.

The gifts are hidden until we take this next step to forgive.  This is a major turning point in this process. Are you ready?

Write a letter expressing all the pain and grief you have been holding on to and then in your letter, ask your highest self for release from the prison of your resentments, grudges and disappointments.

For outer self, what could you do today to forgive? What is the one action you could take int he outer world that will bring you closer to your goal?  For your inner self, what thought could you have/think to evoke the feeling that you outlined on our first day?

I will write a physical letter with the intention of finding the goal in every situation that I continue to haunt myself with. My purpose is to find the gift. If I understand this correctly, if I find the gift the goodness from this situation will release the pain and anguish I have been holding on to. One replaces the other.  Black changes to white, empty changes to full, hurt changes to joy, imprisonment changes to freedom and self hatred turns to forgiveness.  Or something like that... but you get the idea...

It isn't about simply releasing whatever "it" is, it is about looking at the situation with different eyes, with a different focus. Instead of looking at the hurt, see past it to see what the gift is.  What you have learned from it, what it can teach you, what did it trigger, that sort of thing. This act of finding the gift, will change your perception of the situation. Finding the gift will release the connection of pain you were holding onto.  Forgiveness comes by changing our perception of the situation, the person etc., and even ourselves.

If it helps, try writing this with your favorite music on in the background, a cup of tea, whatever you find comforting. Ground yourself, remind yourself why you are doing this and set your intention to be one of resolution. If you start this exercise from a place of grace, willingness and openness to finding your way through this, past this - it will work. It has to, as you have just changed your approach, your perception of the situation, taken the fear about it.  Instead of avoiding and running away from fear, you are sitting with it, comfortably and trying to find the good.

Remember, forgiveness is your ticket to personal freedom.

Sun Tzu - Big Time Risks, Big Time Rewards

High achievers take serious risks and overcome major obstacles to realize awesome returns.

While Sun Tzu calls for always being in the stronger position, he acknowledges that there will be battles where the odds against you are great.  Champions understand this kind of adversity.  They know what its like to go up against a difficult, seemingly impossible, insurmountable opponent. And they know what it means to defeat that opponent and in so doing, conquer themselves.

While women are often deemed more cautious than their male counterparts, women are not risk averse. In fact women taken on more debt to fund businesses, start twice as many companies as men, and take bigger risks than men.

Taking risk requires calculating the danger.  Sun Tzu urges an accurate and comprehensive picture of the battlefield, including the resilience of the enemy.  To be victorious, you must study the spirit of your opponent.  "The whole army may be robbed of its spirit and it commander deprived of his presence of mind. Now at the beginning of the campaign, the spirit of the solider is keep, after a certain amount of time it declines and in the later stage may be dwindled to naught. A clever commander therefore avoids the enemy when his spirit is keen and attack him when it is lost."

In addition to your resolute purpose and commitment to success, be mindful of the courage, resilience and commitment of your adversaries. Time your risks appropriately.

Yet again, these to learnings blend together to support each other. I have to say I love it and it continues to energize me a I do this hard work. I do hope it is the same for you

The Gift of Release

Day 3 - The Gift of Release

Yesterday we became aware of the negative perspective we have of ourself and our life, how/why they exist and how it has robbed us of our innocent mind, clear heart and strong body. Today is about releasing that, letting it go and shifting our perception of ourselves, our lives and how this new way of seeing things will serve and support us.

Today is the day to clear that poison, to get rid of those self defeating thoughts, anxieties, insecurities and judgements that we came to believe were true. Every single time we said or thought any of these things about ourselves, put another step of pain in front of us. These damaging pollutants have changed who we are. They have taken our energy, dimmed our lights internally and externally. Today is the day to let them go, put them in your past.  How you ask? Well, lets start here and now....

This is a physical process, so you will need a pen and paper to take the action itself.  Ready? Ok, write down the details of everything you discovered yesterday, those things you wanted to release. Write down everything you believe is in your way, blocking you. Write down those negative self thoughts, those defeating thoughts, anything that is/will and would be getting in your way from this day forward.  When you are done, rip this page/the pages up into small pieces. Then, before you either burn them, throw them away, dump them down the toilet etc., either write this saying down, or memorize it so you can repeat them as you are getting rid of the ripped pieces of paper.

" I give this to you God (or whomever you choose) to transform into the nectar of my soul. I let go of all that has taken up space in my mind, body and psyche. I give to you all the pain that I have been unable to let go. Today I ask that you turn what formerly has been toxic into fuel for my future."

In addition to this, please think of what you want to release today and one action you can take in your outer world that will bring you closer to your goal.  For your inner self, think of one thing that you can think that will bring you closer to your goal.

While I am doing this on paper myself, what I will say is that I am going to have the "release quote" as part of my daily meditation for the next while. I have a lot of letting go to do.. (as we all do), but in my bones, before I even start, I know this is something I can connect to.  I think doing the exercise itself is part of the external step, so internally I have created a visualization that makes sense to me. Now don't laugh too hard, but I have used this previously and it worked, so I am going to use it again. I think of a gingerbread man - easy for me to visualize.  But I think of it as more of fillable mold, glass, see through.  As the gingerbread man he is all full of brown molasses, thick, smelly, slow "stuff', that will slow you down and fill you up with nothing good.  Then I visualize letting go, as dumping the liquid out.  That "empty space" is room for the goodness that I am going to do for myself.  The extra room I have to fill up with good stuff that serves me.  My goal is to "empty" my gingerbread man until just the shell and frame remain, then I can either visualize filling it up with good stuff... not quite sure, but you get the idea. 

So.. moving on...

Sun Tzu - Indomitable Spirit - Beginning by Winning

We learned yesterday about a winning attitude, defined by our own terms.  Today, we learn that Sun Tzu believes that the victory is to be achieved, before the battle is even started.  This is the embodiment of an unconquerable spirit.

"The wise commander always ensures that his forces are put in an invincible position and at the same time will be sure to miss no opportunity to defeat the enemy.  It follows that a triumphant army will not fight with the enemy until the victory is assured, while an army destined to defeat will always fight with the opponent first, in the hope that they may win by sheer luck."

This illustrates the concept of beginning by winning. Things/issues etc., happen to all of us. But what happens to us, doesn't dictate how we respond. That is up to us. What we think will create what will happen. If we think there is an opportunity to lose and spend our time and energy on it, we will make it happen. We essentially give ourselves permission to fail, simply by thinking about it.  If we change our focus to only the attitude of winning, within our own definition, we will succeed before we take our first step.  We have taken losing out of the equation.

Hmm...how will you do things differently from what you have learned today?

The Gift of Self Awareness

Day 2 - The Gift of Self Awareness

So I am still thinking about yesterday's lesson. But in the spirit of this self imposed challenge, I am going to continue moving forward.  The one thing I will say is that it is interesting to be opening up, feeling vulnerable and exposed from the cleanse and then fill that space back up with strong, confident thoughts.  Quite interesting to say the least.

So, back to the lesson for day.

Yesterday we brought a few thoughts to our conscious awareness. I believe today is about figuring out what is secretly (or not so secretly) standing in the way of having what you want and fulfilling your soul's deepest desire.

I know that these blocks, our interpretations of our past, our limiting beliefs and our undigested pain that stops us from being able to move forward with clear direction.  I think one of the tools that keeps all of this active within us is some unknown/unrealized attachment to seeing our lives in a particular  way.

So today is about starting the process of self-awarness, so we can digest and release the toxic perspective that keeps you/me/us from being able to design a future based on our souls desire.  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong, good or bad. Yikes.

The trick to doing this is to view your life as though you were watching a movie, looking at your life from the vantage point of a neutral observer in order to gain a different perspective.  Then imagine for a moment that it is your perspective that is standing in the way of your desired future. If this is true, are you willing to shift the way you see yourself, others and the world?

Ask yourself : What decisions have I made? What assumptions have I made about my life that are keeping me stuck repeating the past? What beliefs have I adopted that are draining my life force and robbing me of my desired future? And what do I actually say to myself throughout the day that keeps any negativity alive?

When we can stop doing this, stop judging ourselves, we can have a quiet/silent mind & perspective that will allow us to create unimaginable futures.

So, how do we do this/ Four simple steps.  First, in whatever way you can, review your life. Meditate, review pictures, walk through your house, whatever it takes.  Second, write a "positive movie review" of your life, all the good stuff you saw and remembered.  Third, write out the "mistakes you are still making, patterns you keep repeating and the parts you are holding on to.  Fourth, write down anything from your past that appears to be keeping you stuck or might be preventing you from having the movie/life you want.

The final thing to do is to then decide on the one action you could take today, that would bring you closer to your goal.  Then think of what thought you could think of today, that would evoke the feeling you want to experience most of the time, or in this new life you are wanting.

Hmm wow, this is getting personal isnt it? Rather than influence your own journey, I will keep my thoughts to myself in this regard, so you can focus on what is important to you. 

Today the action I will take to correct this, is to learn more about myself, who I am/who I am not, so I can see myself in a different way. I will use my Pinterest account to figure this out and make sure I remember what I am learning.  I am also going to create a section called expressions. In there, I am going to be pictures that represent the feelings I want to connect to. ie: smile - joy etc.,

Sun Tzu - Indomitable Spirit

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

The Battle is insecurity. It will keep you from overcoming challenges. If you expect to fall short, you will Character isn't about what happens to you, but how you respond to it.

The Champion has the spirit of victory in each battle.  You know that with each challenge you grow smarter, stronger, more resilient and more capable of being who you are destined to be.  

Indomitable Spirt is the courage within you that keeps you from defeat. This is the soul of Sun Tzu strategy and must also be at the core of your strategy, personally and in business. It makes or breaks you. Victory is a state of mind forgetd into every thought and experience. Indomitable means refusing  to be conquered or overcome. People with this kind of courage have had their spirits forged in adversity and through their triumps developed the mindset that victory ultimately, will always be theirs.

But, success has to be first defined on your own terms. Meeting someone else's ideas of victory will be hollow and not build your own character or strength. However sometimes success simply means surviving to fight another day. 

Sun Tzu says: "If less in numbers, be capable of defending yourself. And if in all respects unfavorable, be capable of eluding him. Hence a weak force will eventually fall captive to a strong one of it simply holds ground and conducts a desperate defense."

There is a difference between defending yourself, your business, your family etc., and desperately trying to survive. The first is the spirit refusing to be overcome and the second is a spirit of chaos and confusion that will lead to destruction.

Hmmm, is it just me  or is todays Sun Tzu tying into the Consciousness Cleanse again today? I am simply do them in the order they are presented. I wonder if this is by chance or some proven order/method that I am just becoming aware of?

The Gift of Desire...

First, this is a picture of Debbie Ford, from her Consciousness Cleanse course - so a very fitting place to start I would say.  A personal tribute and thank you. Also a goal.  I thought she was beautiful inside and out, never perfect but always committed and trying.  This is what I want for myself.

Day 1 is about the Gift of Desire.

Basically it comes down to picking one goal for your interal world and one for your external world. This is your souls desire and is what will pull, push, motivate, guide and inspire you to release your outdated beliefs and let go of whatever behaviours keep you stuck in the past. The way I understand it is, that our soul only has our best interests at heart. There are no other motives, this is pure and will guide you to your greatest potential.  This is where the ego has no place to live, to guide to lead. The ego doesn't want you to know these things, as it will no longer have a voice or power in your life.

Ok easy to say, but how do we do this? It says to write down what most needs attention in your life right now. What does it look like now? What do you want it to look like? How will your life change? How will those around you be affected? When you have reached the goal, what time/energy and space will now be left behind /available?

For the inside part, what is it that you most want to feel this year?  How will you act if you feel this way all the time? How will the people around you benefit? What would be different in your world?

So now that you have done this, what action can you take in each area that will be a step forward in reaching each of your goals?

So externally, it is my health that needs the most attention in my life. Physically I am overweight, unhappy with myself and not healthy physically. This is not how I want to spend the next 45 years of my life.  I want to be physically attractive to myself and my husband. I want to have fun. I want to live a physically active life.  I want to run daily. I want to be able to hike, travel well, explore and experience life.  I want to eat to live, not live to eat.  I want food to be fuel and my body to be supported as it supports me.  When I have reached this goal, being and living healthy is how I live my life and everything in it.  All the time I spend defeating myself in these areas will be free to do the fun things. Travelling, running, being healthy and not having to cancel the things I enjoy because I am sick, feeling bad, am to embarassed at how I look etc.

Internally, I don't know how to connect with myself. Having been so angry and disappointed with my body for "betraying" me when I got sick, I started to punish it by not taking care of it.  The bigger side of this is connected to not feeling I have any value. I forgot that no matter what else was going on, the blood still flowed in my body, my heart still beat, my hair still grew, my stomach and other body functions still continued, my eyes continued to see etc.,  My body didnt give up on me, I gave up on it.  If I am to be honest, the work and demands I made on it before I got sick, were the reasons I got sick.  Again, I didnt value myself enough to take care of myself and pushed myself beyond what I was capable of.  Talk about being disconnected from myself.  I didnt listen to the small signals/messages so my body gave me a big message and shut me down so I couldnt do any more harm.  When I reach this goal, I will no longer not have any value.  I will have connected my body to my mind. I will no longer treat myself with disdain, anger, frustration and treat it like the enemy. I will love myself, value myself and treat myself like I deserve to be treated.  I know it starts with getting my mind right, so I dont waste so much energy.  This time, energy and self love, will raise me to who I want to be. Who I can be, who I was meant to be. Who I should be.

To me, the steps to reach my goals are starting here today.  Making this committment is my internal action step. Making it public is my external action step.  (I am at home with strep throat, otherwise I would exercise today as my first external step. But that will follow once my fever has broken etc.)

I will end this exercise now, so I don't convince myself I am doing this wrong etc.  This is just the first step where I am today. I cannot wait to look back on this and see how far my journey has taken me.

For the Sun Tzu - basically there are 16 key attributes. What I will explore is how they affect women, and more specifically women in business.  One of the first things the book says before even the lesson is that "Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strength." Lois Wyse .

In general, you must believe you will succeed and that victory is your only option and only successful outcome. Suz Tzu is about the journey from where you are now, to who you can become. It reconciles the ancient truths with the modern realities. The timeless truths, both simple and complex, never go out of style. Men use these to their advantage all the time. Women have steered themselves away by avoiding conflict, staying in your comfort zone, not asking for what they want, being too timid, not sure of which battles to fight and not being true to themselves, at their own expense.

What we need to embrace, is that our unique traits as women are what will make sure we are successful. We need to embrace our intuition, sensitivity, attitude of collaboration, our inate passions, need for independence and ability to build great, cohesive teams.  These are our strengths and we must engage and empower them in order to fully  utilize them.

That is why I believe I need to do this. I don't want to apologize for the strengths I have. I worked hard to achieve them, naturally or learned. I don't want to be less than I am able to be. Ever. I am no longer willing to be subsurvient or deny who I am. Nor do I want to try to be a man, or do things his way.  I have a long way to go, but I believe I will succeed.

The other things I said I would do for myself every day - my gratitude journal and meditation, I will do privately. If however I have any thoughts or ideas that I think will be useful I will share them.

See you tomorrow....

Starting Position....

Ok, I know I have posted this picture before, but I want to use it again.  One day, I will do this, wear a red dress and go running (not exercise type running) on the beach at sunset. I will wait to do this for a few reasons - the first being it is too bloody cold to do this right now and second, I am not ready yet. I want to feel the moment and believe it.  In order to do that I have to accomplish a few things first. I have a few goals that I want to reach in order to be free in that moment.  The first one, is to be ready to do this on my 45th birthday this July. (anybody who wants to join me is more than welcome, just send me a message and I will tell you when and where)

The bigger idea is that I will be turning 45 and entering a new phase of my life. As I expect to live until at least 90 it is just the start of middle of my life, which I am looking forward to. Either that or if you believe our lives revolve in 27 year cycles, I will be ending the second an starting the 3rd...

Either way, I have no desire to be 25 again, nor do I want to be 75 quite yet *lol* What I want is to be the best me. I know, sounds Oprah'ish, but I am ok with that. I am not ashamed to admit I am enjoying her shows now that she no longer as "The Oprah Show". Her Master Class, Next Chapter, Lifeclass etc., are all the things I really want to know, right now, at this stage in my life. Yesterday I mentioned signs, and while this isn't a sign per se, it is in alignment to my journey right now, so I will go with this flow rather than push against it.

Another thing I am going to do is clarify some of my goals. I am basically saying it is a two tier approach, working on both the inside and the outside. I will start with the outside, because honestly, that is probably the easiest part of this journey.

1. While I won't give you my current weight, my goal is to lose 50 pounds from where I am today. So 10 pounds a month for 5 months. This is the weight I was before I got sick and had to shut my life down for 2 years while I recovered.  My reasons for losing the weight are several.  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again.  I want to live an active, healthy life and this extra weight prevents me from doing this. It affects my self confidence and how I view myself. Yes of course there are the vanity reasons, but I literally, physically want to get out of my own way.

So this means exercise and eating healthy. Nothing insane, just making life changes to incorporate exercise into my daily life. I will not follow any crazy diet, just make sensible choices. I know there will be days where I don't take any exerice and make some unhealthy food choices, but that is ok.  I am going to try to release my all or nothing and in fact, follow more of an 80/20 rule.  I mean it is a lifetime choice, not a prison term.

2.  While I am working on the outside, it is just as important to work on the inside. So, I have given myself 4 daily tasks to build myself up.  One of my favorite authors Debbie Ford * - has a few books I love, The Shadow Effect and the 21 Day Consciousness Cleanse. (there are others, but for today, I will start with the 21 Day Consciousness Cleanse only). At the same time, because I cannot do just one thing, I am going to explore Sun Tzu for Women. The third thing I will do is a gratitude journal and finally, I will take 15 minutes at the end of each day to meditate. I haven't done it in so long, I am going to have to re-learn how to quiet my mind to do this.

So... 5 things a day for me... that is the challenge, for 144 days....  here we go!

* Funny or not? After I finished writing this, I found out the Debbie Ford actually died on Monday. Rather than question it, I will accept as part of the journey.  A "sign" I am on the right path for me - I am in the right place at the right time....either that, or it is simply confirmation that her life has meaning and while she is physically gone, her work has remained and will keep her alive to those of us who met her, spent time with her and to who she so graciously gave herself to.  Thank you Debbie.

Signs....Why do we need to look for them?

This picture is from frametoframe.ca - thanks for the usage!

So, what do owls represent; knowledge, wiseness?  They seem to represent so much more than their feathers and bones.  What is it, that they know behind those eyes? What is it that I want to see when I look at them? I am not really sure what I am seeking...

Why do we seek out signs, talismen and the like? So we will know when to stop or start? To measure our success or failure?  Because we have lost the ability to trust our internal guidance systems and instincts and instead prefer to relinquish control to external forces so we have no responsibility? Because our bodies or minds have seemingly betrayed us and we are looking for a way back to ourselves?

Today, I am looking for signs just because I want to. I want to see something good, something life reaffirming.  I want to connect to something other than the thoughts and dialogues that have been in my own head. Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in the here and now, that we forget there is a world outside of our current experiences.  Disconnecting as a coping mechanism is quite common, the struggle is to stay connected when things hurt to much, or when there are no answers to be found.

My friend is in week 4 of his stage cancer treatment now, with just horrific struggles already and he isnt even half way through, or at the hardest parts yet.  Put plain and simple, everything that could go wrong - and more, is happening.  He was supposed to be in the hospital for 1 day last week, and it has now been for the last 10 days and they have no idea when he will get out now. Yet every day he must continue his treatment, that only makes him weaker and sicker. He can no longer speak or eat - at all. His IV pole is permanently full - with liquid methadone, an anti nausea agent, hydration and his food. Each run 24/7.  He also has a pain path, a ventilator and an aspiration machine and his own team of 3 nurses. (Who are fabulous by the way) While he was reduced to a smaller version of himself, he disappears before my eyes almost every day.  Even worse, there is now this weary glassiness in his eyes and for someone formerly so vibrant, this is so hard to see.  For the past few days, the doctors havent allowed any visitors, he cannot even text he is so sick.

On the weekend in between my homework and taking care of my own throat/sinus infection, I wondered seriously, why they don't put people into medically induced coma's for this sort of thing.  Surely it would be easier, less soul destroying?

(For those that know I write, that is going to be the topic of my next 3 Day Novel Contest. The same contest I talk about on my other blog and have done for the past 10 years.  I will speak more about this there.)

As much as I try to get all of this to stay out of my mind, it really never goes very far.  I know the amount of my upset is in direct proportion to how much love this man, his wife and family, have shared with my husband and myself.  I know this is a good thing, to love and be loved.

I am watching his wife and children slowly change into shadows of their former selves as well.  The children out of fear of what they don't understand and his wife, from what she does.

I take on as much as I can so they can be safe with me and release whatever they need to be strong and get through this, or even just help with the breakdowns when they come, then I release it all here.  For those of you who have been worried about me, I am fine. This is just my "safe place" to let it all out so I can be as strong as I need to be the rest of the time.

The other day was particularly hard and my fears got the better of me so I took it out on myself. I dont know how to do this half way. I have always been an "in 1000% or out 1000%" type of person, not so good on the grey areas.  I know that is where the grace is and something I need to cultivate. I will when I can, but for today, I just want to watch for an owl or two...

Walking your own journey.....

I love this picture and find it so peaceful.  The canopy of the trees so far overhead, yet the light peering through, as if to welcome you to this next place.  I am sure there could be many metaphors for this picture - from the darkness into the light, from fear to hope, you name it.  I will leave that up to you and what is going on with you at this particular place in your life.

For me, my mind is split into three distinct yet different places.

The first is about a great friend of mine that is being treated for stage 4 throat cancer. As is typical with this kind of cancer, there were no symptoms until it got to be this size, this advanced and is in his tongue and lymph nodes as well.  Words fail me, but my heart doesn't. It is abundantly aware of the fear, the reality, the future and everything in between.

As is my nature, I have researched this to my usual extreme and am doing everything I can to help him, his wife, his family, as well as myself and my husband. I monitor his treatment daily, his responses and educate myself at every opportunity. I am not sure if thinking I have the knowledge will make it hurt less, or be less scary through preparation. He is always in my thoughts but not in the I am glad it isnt me way, it is always this disbelief that it happened to him backed up by the fear of how much this will change who he is, just to survive this. I pray he survives this but when I close my eyes, I see his wife walking down the aisle in black holding the hands of her two  young sons wearing their black suits.  Ok, there, I have said the worst out loud and it is not tempting fate. Now it cannot happen because I have faced it. I will believe that for a few minutes anyways...

The second is about my work.  After being sick myself and in bed for almost 2 years, I had my own company. It was nice to work from home, but eventually I realized that I didnt want to be responsible for so many people, their income, their livelihood etc., But in typical me fashion, rather than just scaling back, I jumped onto a different track.  I decided that it would be easier to let someone else make the decisions, where I could relax and be part of something bigger than myself.

If i am to be honest, I truly hoped that it would last for the rest of my career.  That I could do this job well, make contributions, be of value etc., while I sat in my nice office, working with nice people in a company that treats people well.  For a few minutes I actually believed that I finally had what I had worked so many years for, that I actually deserved. I also thought that I would be able to finish my education, have a few letters behind my name and that would be enough to proove myself to me.

Which leads me to the third part, me. At this age, I really should have grown up by now. I should know myself inside out and backwards, feel confident in myself, make choices that are correct for me. Yet I continue to cower and feel lesser than who I should be, or am already.

I was on the elipitical machine the other day and felt like crying. Ditto for the last time I was on my bicycle.  What is up with that?  I sure as hell am not afraid of losing this weight that I hide behind. Or am I?  It was easy to hide away, stay inside when I was sick and I had a valid reason. But once I recovered, the fear of being sick or getting sick again, prevented me from doing any sort of exercise. You would think that based on that, I wouldnt be concerned about my appearance, but in fact it is just the opposite.  Probably too much so, yet I am again inactive and stunned into nothingness when it comes to doing something for myself, taking care of myself etc.,  But put someone or anyone, any cause in front of me and I will give them 1000% of me. Yet on a core level, I simply will not do this for myself.

I must believe I am not worth it, or worthy. That if i am fit, healthy and attractive - there is nothing to hide behind and all my warts, fears etc., will be visible to all.  I know others love me the way I am, but I dont.  I have lied to myself so many times about losing the weight, I no longer believe my own words.

At some point, I also gave up on self discipline, which I loathe in others - so I recognize there is a lesson there. I have read so many books, listed to so many people about how to take care of myself, treat myself like I would treat my best friend - but when it comes down to it, again i do nothing.

Probably because I have this harsh belief that I must do it all perfectly and if there is even a small doubt, I shouldn't even start at all. The downfall of being a perfectionist through nature and nurture. i do want to get out of my own way and walk my own journey, just as I know others do.

How on earth can I be such an idiot. Should the journey my friend is taking not inspire me to take care of myself, to forgive myself for whatever I have done to myself and to allow myself the grace to just move on. One step at a time, one bite at a time - whatever it takes.

Being selfish is just about taking care of yourself first, but for a woman, that is a bad thing. I need to get that self judgement out of my head. I mean after all, on every one of the 8 flights I was on in January, they told me to put my own mask on first, before I helped anybody else.  Surely they must be right? *lol*

Never stop trying...

So... I start, yet again. I'm sorry I don't know who to credit that picture to. If you took it, please let me know as I am happy to note it.

So here we are, February 12, 2013 and it has been a long time since I visited here. Well visited to write anyways. I have read some of my older posts over time and realized that I do miss blogging. Not quite sure why, but I am going to give it yet another shot.