Where to start? It's been a rough few days...
Let's start with last week and my birthday. The exact day started with the knowledge that we were going to a memorial service for a family member. Hard to celebrate and be happy - even though on some level you know that sharing memories of a lost loved one is a great way to in fact celebrate their lives. I also know logically that what you feel is directly related to the impact this person has had on your life. That said, I was completely unprepared for what else happened that day. I saw my father in law - whom I call Dad - for the first time in a while and he looked more dead than alive. Having lost both mom and my dad last year - I do not say that lightly. The problem - besides his actual health? That I wasn't actually surprised. Let me explain.
Last year I went to see an amazing woman called "A" who was so perfect in her reading that I came away stunned and had to tell my family and friends about her. A few months ago I just felt the impulse to call her to schedule another appointment. As usual, she had a 3 month waiting period. Which as always - ends up being exactly what you need, when you need it. The day I saw her - she spoke to both my mom and dad, as she had before - but this time rather than just messages of love and remembrance, there were warnings and items to act on.
First about my car, driving it and how to avoid the accident that was about to happen. The second was about how ill dad really was and how with mom gone, I had to step in and take control or he would be gone by January. The third was about dad's family in England and that mom was with them, watching over them. The first point I took to heart and did exactly what was said. I'm not sure if I avoided the accident that was foretold by following their advise, but in my mind - I cannot entirely dismiss it either.
The third part made me feel comfortable to know that mom was watching over the family she had married into almost 50 years ago. She had no words of warning or how to help, just that she was there and knew what was going on.
The second part however, went on in great detail. The specifics of his health, how bad it was. How stubborn he was being, how his new lady friend - while being a companion, was not in fact taking care of his health and he was too ill too see it, or do anything about it or for himself any longer. I knew I had to act and two days later when I saw him - I knew mom had sent me the message for a reason. She told me I was the only one in the family that could do what needed to be done and that she needed me to do it now that she was no longer here. She said I was her daughter and needed to pick up where she left off and she would help me find a way.
When I saw him last Wednesday that was the proof and I went immediately into action. I did manage to get him in to have surgery yesterday -for which I am eternally grateful. At least now part of his illness will be managed. The rest remains to be seen. I am struggling with the fact that I did not act sooner - while fully knowing that he did not let any of us know how sick he was and did not allow opportunity to accept any sort of help. I also know that in my role within our family - this will be the tasks listed under my column. I do not mean that in any negative way - I just know it is mine and have accepted it with love. I will do it for him, for mom and for the rest of my family. We all have our roles and this is now part of mine.
I'm not sure exactly what I believe and I know I probably haven't said enough of the story here - but some of it is too private - yes, despite having this blog on the net. I know mom got the messages to me that I needed to get, that the family needed and I am grateful. This is the second time that I have been able to cross the barrier with the help of "A" and it really makes me think about what happens next...
I am going to do whatever I can to explore that further and continue along those lines... perhaps find a way to write about it in one of my novels... after all, all of us writers use our own lives and experiences as inspiration...and in that way, I am no different...
I'm not sure I got everything that I want to say out for today.. so I may be back.. I might add a new post or even edit this one... just looking for more clarity... but I do hope you find what you are looking for today...
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