I've been trying to think about what to write today. I had some great ideas before I fell asleep last night, but they don't seem as brilliant in the light of day.
Today is the anniversary of my fathers death and I know that I am supposed to take this time to think of all the goodness and fun things we shared but I find that hard to do when I am sad.
As a child I don't think I knew or understood what death was or the impact it had on me at that time or moving forward. I don't think it ever really gets explained to us at that age, which is as it should be I guess. But when we become adults I don't think we even know then, what death means to us, or how to "get through" it.
You hear the adages like "time will heal" etc., and while I know that the pain does become more manageable and less all consuming in that moment, it doesn't really ever go away. It does change and you find some place within you of acceptance but is there a way to manage it while you are going through it?
I've seen the stages of grief that are common out there and I would imagine that they are fairly accurate, but I don't find knowing them to be helpful at all. Logically I know that the death and loss of someone will not kill me, but knowing the way I am going to feel does very little to actually help me get through it. Perhaps being able to look at this list shows me that what I am feeling is "normal" or that I am "progressing" through the stages - so that in and of itself helps, but I'm talking about the day to day things. That moment when your heart catches in your throat and you cannot hold back that deep inhale or exhalation of pain and fear that holds you tightly in its grip. That moment when you hear a certain song on the radio that you just cannot help but cry. That moment when the words get stuck in your throat so that you simply cannot speak. The moments when you feel your heart breaking into a thousand little pieces all around you and you are not sure if you can pick them all up again to regain yourself.
I know all of these feelings are "normal" and things we all go through, but is it different for each of us, or is it that sameness that gives us the empathy to help each other? Is that why we can hear a friends story and feel that familiar feeling within us and know how they feel? Is that how we know what to say when someone else is suffering? Is this how we heal ourselves, by helping others through their sorrow? Is this how we regain those shatters of our heart, but bringing them back together for someone else?
I was on the phone with a long time friend earlier today and his wife was diagnosed with her second cancer. As we all know - Second Cancers are worst than the first and are usually not well tolerated. I know with my dad, his first cancer was colon, his second cancer was the colon cancer migrating to his liver and lungs. It was terminal from the beginning but that still doesn't prevent you from hoping. Especially since he had reached the 5 year plus mark with the first cancer. But we were wrong. This was quick and devastating - and he was gone within 8 months. He turned 60, 22 days before he died.
My friends wife had breast cancer almost 6 years ago. Lost both breasts to the disease but survived and was at her 5 year, 8 month mark when it came back last month. She now has the breast cancer migrating to her bones, her spine, her kidneys, liver and above her right eye. It is not survivable, it is about treating her and managing things for her, for as long as her body and spirit are able to survive. Her family has been through this before, but this time I will imagine it is different. Knowing in advance it is terminal, somehow makes the treatments and quality of life in the meantime, seem so much different. I don't know how to keep up the fight knowing it is hopeless. At what time do you decide the cost of trying to stay alive is too much to bear? If not for yourself, for your loved ones. I'm not sure what desperation feels like - true desperation, but I hope that she finds enough time to make peace with her life and loved ones before her time with us is done. She is 44.
During our conversation he talked to me about another fellow and his wife that we have known for years - almost 20. While we are no longer close - for no particular reason other than life having taken us in different directions. His wife is also on her second cancer. Her breast cancer has now migrated to her brain. Her breast cancer was extremely aggressive and she has used her lifetime of chemo and radiation treatments so her options are quite limited. Her first surgery will leave blind in her right eye at the very least. Her diagnosis is also terminal. Perhaps she has less time to live than our friend above, but as we just saw with Ted Kennedy, from diagnosis to death is a rather quick journey for all those involved. I am not sure how she will say goodbye to her children or her family, it is something I cannot imagine. She is 41 and far too young.
In reading a book, to help me with my next novel, which must have obviously came to me to help me prepare for today, without me knowing what was coming I might add - I came upon a paragraph called "Healing the Second Layer: Sadness" It says "to penetrate this layer, we must cry. We must feel sad." It goes on to say "When you can't talk about certain events in your life without your lower lip quivering, you still have sadness left. When you have cried out all of your tears, its over. You're ready to move to the next layer."
I don't know how to cry enough tears to be ready for the next layer - for mum, dad or my friends. Yet I feel that I must in order to be of any help to them. If it was me, would I want my friends to sit and cry with me to share the pain or would I want to see their strength? I really don't know. I think I would probably want both - for them to share my pain with me but to also share their strength so I would be able to find some joy in whatever time I had left.
Do the stages of grief that I spoke of earlier - do they help with things like this? How can they possibly be the same if you have advance knowledge of what is to happen? How is knowing you are going to die from a disease, the same as having lost someone in a car accident? Are the stages the same for all of us, for my friends, their partners, children, families? How can that be?
I used to struggle with the idea of not wanting to know, versus knowing and having time and in fact, I'm not sure if this is a coincidence, but this is actually the basis of the novel I am writing for this years 3 Day Novel Contest. I imagine the universe is bringing all of the elements together for me to actually be able to consider both sides of this for my book. I've been struggling a little bit with how to make it work, how to be real, but as of today with my latest phone call, I now have the "tools" I need to make an accurate story.
Perhaps this will be my tribute to them. In fact, I will dedicate this book to them. I don't know what else to say today other than I miss mum, my dad and I feel so sad for my two friends, their husbands and their families. Distance means nothing when the chips are down, time is only a measure of what is left, not of what has come before or what will come next. We need a new way to measure that... and only time will tell.
I hope that I am not being selfish by writing about my family and friends as a way to find peace and deal with what I feel about the various situations, I just don't know what else to do right now. So I will do what comes naturally and what has always been my answer...
Talk to you again soon....
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