I know when something is on my mind - it comes up until I get it sorted. It can be in my dreams, words or phrases that just come to me, something said by a friend or a two second glimpse of something on the television. It just keeps on reappearing in one form or another until I "get it".
For me, when I need to sort something out from my heart or soul that is preventing me from moving forward - it kind of becomes its own inside drama. Yet outwardly I'm not entirely sure what is going on. That said I've learn to recognize the signs that I am sorting something out internally and recognize that its not anything external. I'm sure my husband appreciates that, because I can be a bit of a spitfire when riled up.
The bigger the "thing" or lesson - the worse I am. I get broody, sometimes sad and other times angry and most of all impatient. Then I start examining things and poking at them to decide if they are what is causing me this discontent I can feel within. I'm sure on some level I know it has nothing to do with the things (or people) that I am poking, pushing and prodding and think that perhaps it is my own "gentle" way of getting myself to where I need to go. That isn't to say that I haven't jumped into the deep end head first without even stopping to take my shoes off or put my bag down - because I have.
Sometimes being the bull in the proverbial china shop is exactly what I need to do to get past the walls I have built up inside to protect me. Other times I need to gently dismantle it brick by brick until I have made a whole large enough to see through.
I think fear is a powerful motivator in these instances and even more so - the fear of the unknown because your sub conscience hasn't let you in on the secret yet. Nobody wants to hurt, nobody wants to feel pain and we all fear that journeys of remembering - "back" to these places can only be filled with negatives. But what if they are not?
What if when you "remember" and begin to feel "that way" and you know something "is up" you embrace it, just sit with it and let it happen instead of running a marathon to keep it away? What if you sit up in the darkness and just let it evolve before you rather than trying to sleep through it or numb the experience through substitution or avoidance?
Would taking the fear element out of the equation make the difference? Instead of fear, what if you replaced it with the resolve of knowing that no matter what is causing this feeling - you will find something good out of it.
I know for myself - remembering my father and my relationship with him is one of those things. Its one of those touchy points that comes to me in bits and pieces and has me feeling fairly unsettled until I face whatever that particular issue is - head on.
This is one example of something that happened during one of these nights after having struggle with the discomfort all day. When I finally sat down and relaxed into it I realized I was dealing with the regret of not getting in touch with my father earlier instead of wasting all of this time and now never having the chance to reconcile. I was also struggling with my thoughts of not being contacted and having a chance to say goodbye. No doubt these were fueled by regret, guilt and so many other emotions.
Instead of pushing all of this away I just stayed with it and allowed it to unfold in whatever way it was going to. My step mother had sent me a copy of the photo montage of my father shown at his memorial so I loaded it onto this very computer. I wasn't sure why at the time - but I also wandered through iTunes and downloaded songs I remembered we enjoyed together.
(** I later found out one of the songs was played during his memorial, spoken of during his eulogy and were the last words for his send off from his dearest friend. So today I added that song... for you dad... a little Gordon Lightfoot. )
Those items together created the perfect storm for me and I cried non stop for a little more than 3 hours. Every photo showed me either the things I had missed out on or things I had shared - and I wasn't sure which hurt more. I was so grateful to see the happiness he had in his life but was devastated that I had purposely missed so much of it. I was so happy to see that he had become the man he always wanted to be, but was sad that I had missed out on it. Each and every thought and emotion had the exact opposite correlating thought or emotion and then it came to me, I could be sad and get lost in the "what if's" - or take it and make the very best of it.
First I examined the situation of not being told about his illness, surgery or death. I sat with the thoughts from a place of love and compassion for this man that had struggled with various illnesses over the last 12 years of his life and tried to see it from his side. Then I tried to see it from the place of those who loved him and wanted to protect him from any more hurt during his final days when he was at his weakest, and that is when I found my peace.
While I cannot know for sure if my thoughts are the truth of the situation, they are enough for me to not sit in that bad place I had put myself for so long. I could see how perhaps reaching out towards me to let me know of my fathers illness would be opening him up to so much hurt if he was to be aware of the request and if I was to reject it, and ultimately him. (I wouldn't have, but nobody could have known that.)
Nobody knew that I always missed him and that in my heart I never forgot a birthday or fathers day. Nobody knew that I was trying to find my way to come back but was lost on how to do it. Nobody knew that I had long ago forgiven the reasons I had left and realized that there was no value in holding onto a past filled with angst so had let it go to move forward from a place of love. Nobody knew I had always secretly loved my father. I wish he had known.
As you can see, you can look at any situation and find something good about it. Nobody contacted me because they didn't want to hurt him if I should not answer in a supportive way. While it's too late to change things in reality, I can change my own perception of the situation and in letting go of the regrets, anger and so many other things - I have faced the fear and am walking away with something far better.
That gift also helped me reach out to my fathers friends - to ask them for their help in getting to know the man I walked away from. Much to my surprise - every one of them answered and has shared stories and pictures of him, and their time with him. My biggest surprise and most valued gift from all of this was to hear from them, that my father was on the same path as I was. We were both trying to find our way back to each other, but didn't know where or how so had learned to find a certain amount of peace on our journey.
What that helped me remember - was that no matter what distance separated us physically - he was my father and I was a part of him, just as he was a part of me. That could never be changed - not even through death. Knowing he remembered me helped heal all of the fears I had of being rejected that prevented me from finding my way back home.
I think what I am trying to say here - is whether you are the one remembering or being remembered - never run from "it". Whatever it is will always be there until you face it, deal with it and find peace with it. I learned that when you face "it" with love and acceptance - from a place of compassion, that is exactly what you get back and that is all you are left with. Guilt, regrets and remorse are gone and all that is left is the good stuff.
My step mother once wrote in a book she gave me " I hope one day you will stop running long enough to find what you are looking for." She had long since forgotten that when I reminded her recently, but it was true then and even more so now. You can never truly run away from anything - it will always be with you and part of you until you face it. Its up to you how you do that, but just ask yourself... do you want to be the elephant or the string?
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