Thoughts create things...

The last few days have been interesting, exciting and have re-energized me totally and completely.

The synergies of life, the beauty of life, the laws of nature and all the goodness that comes from a heart, spirit and mind being in line with our actions - truly have the power to change our lives.

I am finding such clarity by simply taking the time to open my eyes to see and then sitting for long enough to hear what I am saying from inside.

The clarity is enabling me to take the first step forward with the rest of my life with confidence that not only am I doing the right things for myself but that I will succeed at what I am doing. I know what I want from life and the universe and have made my intentions, wants and needs very clear. That said, I am also more than willing to do whatever I need to do to achieve, reach, attain and sustain my goals.

I'm giving my life - my all and I am open and willing to receive and accept what it is going to give me in return. I know its all good... and I know I deserve it!

Recognizing gifts in our lives...

The other day I wrote about synchronicity and how it plays such a role in our lives if only we allow it and recognize it.

Apparently I wrote that post for me because since then - people I have been thinking of have called or emailed me. I heard a song on the radio and the person I was thinking of called.

A book I was reading led me to quotes and stories that I loved and before I knew it, I was hearing about the same thing from a friend of mine. I could go on, but there have been quite a few in the past few days. I hope this means that I am in the right place and right space of mind and will continue to enjoy this.

I just love this and am so open to this experience. I think drawing all the good things into your life is a wonderful thing and it makes me truly happy. This is a feeling I want to hold onto forever. If this is what positive thinking and feeling is like/about - then count me in.

Now true to my nature I don't really do things half way - I'm kind of an all or nothing girl. With this however I don't see how that is a bad thing. What could it possibly hurt that I want to be open to synchronisity? How can it be anything but good to want goodness?

I want to learn... I want to experience all of this to the nth degree. Yet I know at times I have to sit quiet to actually "feel" it or "visualize" it and appreciate it and that will be my focus. I am so grateful to be having this in my life I don't want to take it for granted or minimalize its impact. It's a tremendous gift and it is my greatest hope that I will always be aware enough to recognize it in my life.

Choosing to feel happiness and abundance...

I've been doing some thinking and now, here today I am going to purposely put into action what has been going on in my mind. In some of my recent posts I have said my piece on a few issues or areas that had been a concern in my life. Now that I have addressed them and seen them from a place of love, gratitude and understanding I am going to release them as that.

I am no longer going to cause concern for myself by bringing anything other than thoughts of happiness, gratitude, abundance and joy as I believe to do otherwise will bring that into my life. I am choosing to be happy and I am choosing to live my life with that purpose. I have cleared out the areas that has caused me grief to make room for the positive that I know is out there for me. I know that goodness is in my life and will continue to be and I am going to do everything in my power to make that my reality.

I believe we spend the first parts of our lives learning about the experiences we are having. What we like, what we want in our lives and also those things that we choose to distance ourselves from. Once we have that clarity it is our purpose to move towards those things that bring us true joy and happiness and bring them to us.

Every day I am going to close my eyes to take a few moments to see the good things in life; the good things about my life and be grateful for those very things, experiences etc., I believe that changing perspective and heading in a positive direction can only increase those things in my life.

I am choosing my life and to feel its happiness and abundance and I hope that you will take the time to do that for yourself as well. I am very much at peace with taking this journey and am so grateful to have the time do be on it, starting today, right now, this minute.

Having faith to stand on the precipise of your life...

I received this quote from a friend of mine the other day and it just seems right for what has been happening in my mind so with a big thank you to her, I will repost it here and when I find out who the author is, I will note that as well.

"Faith"

When you have come to the edge of all the light you know, And are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown;

Faith is knowing one of two things will happen:

There will be something solid to stand on, Or you will be given wings to fly....

I believe that is what I am going through these days. As always, I am on a personal journey and something is about to change. This is a familiar pattern to me - to go through issues that are of concern and as I learn and grow from each of them - the fears that had been holding me back are released and I move forward into something else. This usually speeds up the closer I get to whatever "change" is coming next.

This time, I'm not quite sure what that change/something else is - but I do know that I am standing on the precipise and am ready for whatever comes next. Excited actually because I do have faith. Everything that has led me to this point in my life has been for a reason and it has all worked out beautifully - so why would this next step be any different? Isn't this the entire "fun" of our lives - to keep growing, shedding our skins and evolve to the next level?

If the two options are being given something solid to stand on or be given the wings to fly - really, how could anything be wrong? Either way its good and I'm ready to fly...

Photo credit: Preacher at the Pulpit by Paul Tosio http://www.flickr.com/photos/ptosio/2424106864/

Two paths... where do they lead?

Following yesterdays posting I was still left pondering what else was going on in my brain, but having limited myself to one post a day, I had to wait until today to write this.

If the truth is also to be known in this case, I was dearly hoping for some more clarity on the topic before I began to write about it today. I know that is silly because as I have said previously - writing is what it takes to help me figure things out.

We all have issues and while they are unique perhaps to us, they are not unique to the social conscience of the planet. Yet we each are alone going through our experiences. Perhaps that is what leads me to speak about my “mothers”.. of which I have had many. One by birth, one by marriage and a few others who stepped into the role over the years.

For my part and without assigning guilt or blame to anybody – I will be honest and say that I was always looking for a mother figure in my life whether I knew it or not. Actually I’m not sure if it was a mother figure or someone to do what I thought a mother did and I’m sure there is a difference between the two.


I know that while these memories are mine – they may have been clouded by emotions, time, others opinions or purposeful creative re-telling of stories etc., I believe those things are partially why I find it so hard to disseminate the fact from the fiction and ultimately find peace with this issue. I also know that the how I got here part isn't as important as the effects it had.

I was too young to remember much of that part of my life or blocked out having to choose between my parents - as that much I did understand. I know that I also understood fear and abandonment. Those lessons have stayed with me for life and while I have overcome so much with so many people, the one remaining is with my birth mother.

During the years my birth mother was not in the picture – my memories of her and any knowledge of the truth disappeared or were tainted by the many varied women vying for that role in my life. Suffice to say that the one constant in my life was my "dream" of having a mother - upon which my hopes and dreams rose and fell, perhaps unrealistically - but that too I believe was driven by the part of my spirit was strong enough to survive and keep them alive.

One specific step mother hated the fact there was someone before her and systematically poisoned my mind and memories towards my birth mother to the point I no longer know where the fiction ends and the facts start. In recent years I learned how much poison she spread over the years of my exposure to her and the impact of her venom has caused many to pay prices of which they were not aware.

If I had known what instinct was at the age I was when I met her, I would have surely listened to it when it told me she was white death. I don’t mean the powdered kind, I mean the human kind. It took me years to unravel her web of lies and deceit and even longer to forgive myself for not believing in myself enough to not become a proud younger version of her. I do also need to remember I was in grade school when she began her manipulations - so should cut myself some slack.

Another such actress taught me how little value life had. How being a female was a role to be endured but not enjoyed. How to be grateful for any spec of attention or affection from any male was better than being ignored. She taught me that women have no value – to themselves or anybody else. It took me a long time to figure out she was wrong and that while she may have felt that personally, I didn’t have to feel that way about myself. After a while I was grateful for her teachings because she taught me more about what I wanted for myself and my life than I had learned to date.

One more actress taught me that being a strong woman was a good thing no matter what the price. She taught me that being inflexible and rigid were the only ways to succeed in life. She taught me that prices were only paid by the weak and emotional and only the strong survived. Some parts of her lessons were good and others I wish I had not learned as they took me a long time to unlearn.

I could go on but you get the idea. Over the years the stock I placed in the value of a "mom" increased dramatically – especially as the imposters continued to spread their own particular brands of poison. Yet each one had been there with me, spending the time and giving the illusion of being loving and caring and I had fed on it and the little girl part of me was devastated every time the relationships failed and they moved on. I think every time one left, the dream got bigger. While it is understood – these pedestals can be made pretty high from years of expectations, hopes and dreams. Not exactly fair, but they do say when you know better, you do better.

Some time later I was put in touch with my birth mother and my unrealistic expectations probably hurt both of us. I didn’t know I was being unrealistic at the time, I just thought my knight in shining armor had come. I thought after all of these years she had come for me. I had confused ideas about love and what being in touch again meant.

Yet all of this was from my perspective only and I don’t think I once looked at it from her point of view. I don’t know if it would have changed anything if I did – but being a selfish teenager, I wanted and needed a mother that I had never had.

I didn’t think then that I had expected miracles I just wanted a mother that loved me that I lived with like everybody I knew at school. I wanted to do all the fun girly things together to have that bond I had seen with other mother/daughter combinations. I had chased this dream through all of my girlfriends in my school days and in most cases was treated really well by their mothers and families. Most of my friends were from big Italian families which no doubt furthered my dreams of what a mother should be like, say and do. Not the fairest to be sure, but a far sight better than the previous actresses.

I wish I could have found a way to explain that to my mother when we met. To explain that I was new at being a daughter and that I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid that like the others, she would leave. That I wouldn’t be good enough, pretty enough, funny enough or daughterly enough for her to love me.

When we met I already knew I had a younger sister and for years that bothered me. Not the person herself, but the fact that she existed was loved, cared for and kept, when I was not. I didn’t have the knowledge at the age of 16 to not let that affect my self esteem, but I wish I did. For the next few years this dance of struggling continued until I moved out of the province for a chance at a new life.

I don’t know that she understood why I left any more than I understood why she did. In that I guess we are both the same – misunderstood. During the following years we both tried as best we could, but I don’t know that either one of us knew what to say or do or how to make this into what was in our hearts and heads. Perhaps even trying at all was the problem, perhaps too much time had gone by to get what we were both looking for. That said, I have no idea what her wants, needs, hopes, dreams or expectations were out of our relationship. I don’t know that I ever asked. I was probably too young and selfish learning to live my own life that I just assumed things. Maybe we wanted much different things and that is what set us again onto our two different paths. Side by side albeit, but still different.

What I know I learned, was that I didn’t know how to be a daughter to her, so in my own mind any chance I had of learning how to be a daughter to my father would be even more impossible given our history. That fear also stayed with me for many years with my husband and his family.

Luckily for me I had enjoyed a few “actress free” years before meeting up with my birth mother., so I was completely open to the experience - big dreams and all. But perhaps unluckily for my birth mother I had only the few years of our botched learning experiences to work with before meeting the woman that fulfilled the "dream" that had been in my mind for years.

She taught me all the things I thought a mother teaches her daughter – you know, the things that aren’t written in books. She shared the tender touches, quiet whispers, joyful jokes and explained all those things that I had never before understood. She opened up a world that I had never seen before and I loved it. Well the parts of me that weren’t scared I would mess it up did. Over time she showed me that a mothers’ love doesn’t end and no matter what your child does, you still love them and finally my fears began to recede. These are the things that I imagine my birth mother shares with my sister.

It was then that I gave her my heart and finally started to believe. Faith fully restored I jumped in head first. Her having always wanted a daughter to share things with –we were a perfect match and were lucky enough to spend almost 20 years together before she passed away this year.

I held her hand from the ambulance into the room we said all of our goodbyes. I straightened her sweater and fixed her hair, hugged her and kissed her to make her ready. I called her friends, comforted her family and created a memorial for her funeral that I know she would have loved. Then I collapsed. I had lost another mother.

I was alone again yet I wasn’t. I still had my birth mother – but she seemed so far away, so unreachable, so untouchable. I was so confused. At times being with her had made me feel like I was at home. Moments when I saw my own hand gestures reflected in her own. But I didn’t know how to be in a relationship with her. I had no earthly idea and having not spoken to her in years I didn’t know how to go back. I was afraid of being hurt and would rather have had no contact than hurt anymore.

I am explaining it in this way so she can see how my value and expectations became what they were and why they are still that way. I’m learning to adjust them according to the person in the role, but it’s hard at times to realize the people are different than the dreams. I know she is now just learning her own issues and concerns about the same topic and will have her own hopes, dreams and opinions on the topic.

I don't know if you have to be a mother to know how to do it - or if you have to be mothered first to know how. I don't know how relationships that should come so easily are sometimes filled with such heartaches. I don't know how to have a relationship with my mother and that hurts me, deeply.

Yet I don't say that in any way of blame because that is not how I feel. I don't blame anybody and the how or why don't matter really, because you cannot undo the past, but can only move forward to a new future.

Perhaps it was my own insecurity that has not allowed me to feel her love - or perhaps it was the fear of losing her again that prevented me from getting closer. I know she has said that she will never leave and can never be the mother I want her to be - and for that I am truly sad. But sadness does not mean that anybody has done anything wrong or failed. She hasn't let me down because the lessons I learned in life from this have done me well.

Even at this age, I have not given up on us getting to know each other to find some bond to experience joy in. I will never stop loving my mother even if we never find a way to have that close nurturing relationship that is in my mind. That said, what I want isn't the only thing that matters here. It also matters what she wants, what she is capable of and what is right for her too.

I don't know if perhaps she was not "mothered" in a nurturing way and has learned to do it for herself. I have not yet learned that skill or talent but am working on it. I don't know if this situation will ever change - for either of us, but I do know that it affects me in all areas of my life, even though I don't want it to.

I know I should just have faith and let it be, let things happen and just go with it but this is too important to me. Maybe that is where I went wrong - putting too much pressure on the idea of a mother - so much so, that it has left me alone.

Well not alone.... just living a different life in the best way I know how... and maybe that is as it should be. I read that at some point before our birth we choose the journey we take, with those we take it with - I just wish I knew the lessons or the reasons why for this one.

I guess just like anything else - its best to take it one step at a time... and see where the paths lead... but I do know one thing, it isn't a question of not loving on either side... and I don't know if I have the words to explain it. It just is and I know we'll move forward - stumble and fall as we find our way to whatever it will be.

Perhaps its time I let go of the comparrisons and roadmap I had created and just let her be herself and accept and love her for who she is, not what I wanted her to be. The lady that is my mother - and I do say lady, is beautiful inside and out. She has a smile that will light up a room and a laugh that I just love to hear. She is such a strong person - probably stronger than she knows and probably stronger than she wanted to be. She is kind and gentle when she allows herself to be and people just seem to gravitate towards her.

I don't know that she sees all the goodness that everybody else sees in her, but I do and perhaps that is why she is so important to me. She is where I get so many parts of me from - and she is my past, my present and my future.

Maybe my mother has taught me more than I ever could have imagined about loving someone no matter what the circumstances - with no conditions and no expectations other than to just be. I think its time for me to stop holding up what I wanted vs. the reality and see just how much they are the same. The differences don't matter any more - all that matters is that we are both present and going the same direction .. maybe not on the same path - but that too is as it should be. We both have our separate lives to lead, but we are and always will be - together.

I love you mom and I don't know if you know just how much. I'm sorry for being selfish over the years and not loving you for you and expecting you to be something else. That wasn't fair and I'm sorry. You always did the best you could with the best of intentions. I know that and please know that I am ok. I'm not mad, I'm not angry or hurt. You didnt let me down, you didn't fail. We just didnt do things the traditional way... and that is ok. It's all ok... take care of yourself... you are too special not to.

Are you the elephant or the string?

In my family - you are either the elephant - the one that needs to remember, or the string - the one that needs to be remembered. I'm sure things are the same with most families, its just how we interpret them.

I know when something is on my mind - it comes up until I get it sorted. It can be in my dreams, words or phrases that just come to me, something said by a friend or a two second glimpse of something on the television. It just keeps on reappearing in one form or another until I "get it".

For me, when I need to sort something out from my heart or soul that is preventing me from moving forward - it kind of becomes its own inside drama. Yet outwardly I'm not entirely sure what is going on. That said I've learn to recognize the signs that I am sorting something out internally and recognize that its not anything external. I'm sure my husband appreciates that, because I can be a bit of a spitfire when riled up.

The bigger the "thing" or lesson - the worse I am. I get broody, sometimes sad and other times angry and most of all impatient. Then I start examining things and poking at them to decide if they are what is causing me this discontent I can feel within. I'm sure on some level I know it has nothing to do with the things (or people) that I am poking, pushing and prodding and think that perhaps it is my own "gentle" way of getting myself to where I need to go. That isn't to say that I haven't jumped into the deep end head first without even stopping to take my shoes off or put my bag down - because I have.

Sometimes being the bull in the proverbial china shop is exactly what I need to do to get past the walls I have built up inside to protect me. Other times I need to gently dismantle it brick by brick until I have made a whole large enough to see through.

I think fear is a powerful motivator in these instances and even more so - the fear of the unknown because your sub conscience hasn't let you in on the secret yet. Nobody wants to hurt, nobody wants to feel pain and we all fear that journeys of remembering - "back" to these places can only be filled with negatives. But what if they are not?

What if when you "remember" and begin to feel "that way" and you know something "is up" you embrace it, just sit with it and let it happen instead of running a marathon to keep it away? What if you sit up in the darkness and just let it evolve before you rather than trying to sleep through it or numb the experience through substitution or avoidance?

Would taking the fear element out of the equation make the difference? Instead of fear, what if you replaced it with the resolve of knowing that no matter what is causing this feeling - you will find something good out of it.

I know for myself - remembering my father and my relationship with him is one of those things. Its one of those touchy points that comes to me in bits and pieces and has me feeling fairly unsettled until I face whatever that particular issue is - head on.

This is one example of something that happened during one of these nights after having struggle with the discomfort all day. When I finally sat down and relaxed into it I realized I was dealing with the regret of not getting in touch with my father earlier instead of wasting all of this time and now never having the chance to reconcile. I was also struggling with my thoughts of not being contacted and having a chance to say goodbye. No doubt these were fueled by regret, guilt and so many other emotions.

Instead of pushing all of this away I just stayed with it and allowed it to unfold in whatever way it was going to. My step mother had sent me a copy of the photo montage of my father shown at his memorial so I loaded it onto this very computer. I wasn't sure why at the time - but I also wandered through iTunes and downloaded songs I remembered we enjoyed together.

(** I later found out one of the songs was played during his memorial, spoken of during his eulogy and were the last words for his send off from his dearest friend. So today I added that song... for you dad... a little Gordon Lightfoot. )

Those items together created the perfect storm for me and I cried non stop for a little more than 3 hours. Every photo showed me either the things I had missed out on or things I had shared - and I wasn't sure which hurt more. I was so grateful to see the happiness he had in his life but was devastated that I had purposely missed so much of it. I was so happy to see that he had become the man he always wanted to be, but was sad that I had missed out on it. Each and every thought and emotion had the exact opposite correlating thought or emotion and then it came to me, I could be sad and get lost in the "what if's" - or take it and make the very best of it.

First I examined the situation of not being told about his illness, surgery or death. I sat with the thoughts from a place of love and compassion for this man that had struggled with various illnesses over the last 12 years of his life and tried to see it from his side. Then I tried to see it from the place of those who loved him and wanted to protect him from any more hurt during his final days when he was at his weakest, and that is when I found my peace.

While I cannot know for sure if my thoughts are the truth of the situation, they are enough for me to not sit in that bad place I had put myself for so long. I could see how perhaps reaching out towards me to let me know of my fathers illness would be opening him up to so much hurt if he was to be aware of the request and if I was to reject it, and ultimately him. (I wouldn't have, but nobody could have known that.)

Nobody knew that I always missed him and that in my heart I never forgot a birthday or fathers day. Nobody knew that I was trying to find my way to come back but was lost on how to do it. Nobody knew that I had long ago forgiven the reasons I had left and realized that there was no value in holding onto a past filled with angst so had let it go to move forward from a place of love. Nobody knew I had always secretly loved my father. I wish he had known.

As you can see, you can look at any situation and find something good about it. Nobody contacted me because they didn't want to hurt him if I should not answer in a supportive way. While it's too late to change things in reality, I can change my own perception of the situation and in letting go of the regrets, anger and so many other things - I have faced the fear and am walking away with something far better.

That gift also helped me reach out to my fathers friends - to ask them for their help in getting to know the man I walked away from. Much to my surprise - every one of them answered and has shared stories and pictures of him, and their time with him. My biggest surprise and most valued gift from all of this was to hear from them, that my father was on the same path as I was. We were both trying to find our way back to each other, but didn't know where or how so had learned to find a certain amount of peace on our journey.

What that helped me remember - was that no matter what distance separated us physically - he was my father and I was a part of him, just as he was a part of me. That could never be changed - not even through death. Knowing he remembered me helped heal all of the fears I had of being rejected that prevented me from finding my way back home.

I think what I am trying to say here - is whether you are the one remembering or being remembered - never run from "it". Whatever it is will always be there until you face it, deal with it and find peace with it. I learned that when you face "it" with love and acceptance - from a place of compassion, that is exactly what you get back and that is all you are left with. Guilt, regrets and remorse are gone and all that is left is the good stuff.

My step mother once wrote in a book she gave me " I hope one day you will stop running long enough to find what you are looking for." She had long since forgotten that when I reminded her recently, but it was true then and even more so now. You can never truly run away from anything - it will always be with you and part of you until you face it. Its up to you how you do that, but just ask yourself... do you want to be the elephant or the string?

Will you take the hand of synchronisity?

The term synchronicity, according to Carl Jung means "not just any coincidence, but meaningful coincidence." I just call them perfect moments and continue to pray that I am "awake" and "present" enough to realize them when they occur.

How many times have you thought of someone only to pick up the phone and have them be on the other end? How many times have you thought of a song, only to hear it on the radio a few minutes later? I could go on, but we all have our own examples.

I believe that life is full and provides us with exactly what we need, when we need it - just as it provides us with exactly what we ask for.Sure enough it may not be how we expect it to be, how we envisioned it or as we had asked for, but it does happen. The specific details are the only things that may not be the same.

For instance, I always have asked for time to be alone to write without feeling like I was letting anybody down. I now have an illness that forces me to stay home and not being physically capable of doing much, I have the time to write. Sometimes the messages and delivery are subtle, other times not so much.

Now I am not saying that I asked to be ill or that anybody else does - but what I am saying is that in the end I did get what I asked for and what I needed. So does that mean I asked for the wrong thing, didn't put enough qualifiers on it, got a bum rap or simply have faith that what and how things happen is as it should be and that I need to let go of control and just be.

Have you ever noticed that the more you really want something - the less you actually get it? Perhaps that means you didnt actually want "it" at all... and "it" was a means to an end or just a substitute or distraction from what was really going on? Somehow the universe knows the real truth of what we are asking and answers that, not the flowery rantings of the manipulative selves to get what we think we want.

The closer we are to being true to ourselves, the more these moments of synchronisity happen - or perhaps more correctly, the more we are able to see them. When you are ready, they happen. When you know what to do with them, they come to you. When you are ready to give back the perfect opportunity presents itself.

Life is a constant exchange of give and take and we must be careful not to take too much and give too little. If we take too much and are only focused on self - we miss the joy of giving and seeing the pleasure in others. Yet we must also not give away so much that we miss the gift of being alive.

We each have our own personal horizon and must learn to live within it - under what conditions we serve others and allow them to serve us. I believe that the best way to have perfect moments is to trust the messages in synchronisity and pay attention to them when they happen. Each of these moments is to teach us something, to help us move forward in our evolution and destiny.

We are all seekers - looking for answers and directions. We need to stay present instead of tuning out. Call it spirit, call it intuition - call it whatever you like, but if you are open to it - it will give you a guiding hand on our journey. It's up to you whether you take it or not.

Photo credit: James Burland

The Bridge will be there...

Distance is defined as "the property created by the space between two object or people." (thanks Websters.)

What it doesn't speak of is emotional distance, the understanding is more of a physical distance.

While phyiscal distances are sometimes hard to overcome, emotional distances can cause more damage.

We can always pick up the phone or get on an airplane to dispatch with any physical distance, but how many ways are there to bridge an emotional one?

Is there a limit to an emotional distance? How far can you possibly run? If you live a block away from the other person - is the separation any greater if you live thousands of miles away?
Does one hurt more than the other?

On some level we are all willing to open our eyes to acknowledge physical distance as a reason for not being or doing what we should or say we want to. I also think we can also find it easier to pick up the phone and deal with the tough stuff if we do not see people face to face. Same goes for email, typing, letters etc.,

Yet I believe there is an unwillingness of each of us to see emotional distances the same way. Perhaps it is because we feel we have been hurt, maligned or misunderstood. Perhaps we are waiting for the other person to make amends for their "wrongdoings". Perhaps we don't know how to get back across that ever widening gap.

It might be a possibility that the other person in this drama feels the same way and they are waiting for us to make the first move, to apologize, to accept responsibility. So then what, a stalemate that gets worse over time until it is too late and live with regrets we can never forget?

It's always hard to be the first person to reach out for fear of reprisal or rejection, that is an honest and reasonable way to think. It means we care and if we didn't care, there wouldn't have been the need for the distance in the first place.

Is there a "safe" way to reach out without feeling too vulnerable to act? Is there a way to take the deal breakers out of the situation? Is there a gesture you can make to let the other person know you care?

Have you thought about the situation from the other persons perspective? Have you allowed yourself to accept responsiblity for your part in the situation? Have you realized that no matter what happened, it is not as important as living your life without that person in it? Do you know what you want the other person to do to "make it up" or to reach out to you? If you do, then you should do exactly that for them.

It's not about being right or wrong, holding grudges, judging or passing sentence. It's about being human, acknowledging we are on different paths and that sometimes we will intersect at moments that may not be beneficial to both parties. Most misunderstandings come from lack of communication or understandings - not from people being malicious or plain mean.

Centre yourself in a place of love, understanding and acceptance then take that first step to help hold up, to encourage and support the other person - even when it is hardest. You might surprise yourself to realize that you are being held right back and that they have been there all along.

Taking a chance to bridge the distance can be scary, it can hurt and it can be painful. However, not doing it and not taking that chance can result in losing the chance to ever share love and joy with that person. Is the situation worth losing any more time with that loved one?

Life is too short to not work your way back to those you love. As we have all heard - take the first step and the bridge will be there...

All I Remember is the love...

If you look around you see that the number 40 has a certain amount of significance. They say habits can be made or broken in 40 days, in the bible the flood lasted 40 days and 40 nights....

I'm sure I could find more examples, but that is not the point of this post, it is to recognize that today I am turning 40.

I do not want a party or a big celebration because among other things, it is just a day. Albeit a special day because it is my birthday, but no more or no less meaningful than any other year. I am happy to be this age and wouldn't do anything to change it - not for one moment. As my life has progressed it has become so rich being filled with luck, laughter and so much love. It is those things that I want to celebrate today, not just an arbitrary number.

Perhaps turning 40 has allowed me the opportunity and luxury to look back on the past 40 years in order to prepare for the next 40. For that I am grateful and for that I am thankful.

When I look back over the years, truly, all I remember is the love and my goal for the rest of my years is to the same. To remember the goodness, the fun, the times spent with people I love and care deeply about - for they are all that really matter. If I were to die today, and I hope I don't because I have so much living left to do, I would be happy with myself, my life, my contributions and the impact I will have left on those that I have crossed paths with.

While I am sure I have made mistakes - too many to count in fact - I know that as I have grown and known better, I have done better and made better decisions. I know that as I learned to value others I have learned to value myself. I know that I have always tried to do my best and treat others as I want to be treated. I know that I have given without any hope or expectation of receiving - yet I know I have received far more than I have ever given.

I know that I have been lucky in all areas of my life - but most especially in love. I have had the love of the most wonderful man for almost 20 years and as each day passes that love only grows and deepens. I have had incredible love from a wonderful mother and father both from marriage and from birth. I have had love from extended family and so many dear friends and on occassions, from people I have never had the pleasure to meet.

I love my life and I am excited about what comes next and will embrace it without hesitation. I am grateful for this day of reflection and opportunity to remind me of what is important both now and for when I am gone.

Before I sign off to enjoy this day I want to say thank you to every person that has touched my life in any way - for you have made me who I am. I am so grateful for your love, your time and your attention and I hope that one day, when you remember me - all you remember is the love.

Marking passages of time...

I love this picture of a woman holding the moon...or the illusion thereof. It makes me think of the power we have as individuals - to create from the moment we are born that endures until we take our last breath, perhaps even longer. But we won't know the answer to that mystery until we get there ourselves.

I believe that is why this picture came to me - because I've been thinking about how time passes and even more specifically my birthday tomorrow. While I know everybody else is excited about it, to me it is just another day. It is a marking of time, a passage of some sort as I enter my 40th year.

When I take the time to look back over the first 40 years of my life there is so much happiness, so much joy, so many lessons learned and so much more than words can express. From this aging perspective - perhaps more mature is the better way to say that - I can see that things I thought mattered so much years ago, have a much different priority these days. The intensity of some emotions have been replaced by appreciation and richness. The love I though was all encompassing is growing deeper than I had ever thought possible and my dreams have all come true and its time to create more.

I love being this age and having the gift of reflection as I know this mirror will be my greatest gift moving forward into whatever the next 40 years have to offer. I will try to explain this to those who want to have some big party for some achievement I do not feel, as for me, this is just another step into a much larger life that I cannot wait to get started.

I am so happy to be on this journey with myself and am looking forward to everything that comes next in my life. I am not so blind as to assume there will be no heartache, sadness, loss or anger to accompany me - but they too have been my bedfellows over these past 40 years and I have come to a certain appreciation for them and the gifts they bestow. I do not shudder in horror or run for cover from them any longer, but embrace them with a comfortable acceptance that comes with knowing what to expect.

I am grateful for the wisdom these years have taught me as I doubt my appreciation of my life would be as complete without it. I love with a greater freedom than I have ever known and I embrace life without hesitation no matter what it brings. The smiles far outweight the price of the tears. The laughs are worth the bumps and scratches as I learn another lesson. The calm and peace I feel are well worth the past prices of admission to achieve these precious gifts. The education I have received from a life filled with curiosity and an inability to stay still have given me a wider, far greater path to head towards than I could have ever dreamed or imagined.

As I look beside me I see my one true love holding my hand as we walk towards the many sunsets we will share. If I continue to look I see the many years of family, friends and people that have touched my life in some way or another. Even though I may not see some of them any longer, I still see them with me as they are all part of me, who I am now and who I will continue to evolve into as the years pass.

This first part of my life has been so wonderful but I am ready to move onto the next phase with grace and dignity, but also filled with a great curiosity and impatience to experience all that will be. I pray that I will continue to grow into the person I am meant to become with the new lessons I will be taught and I look forward with vigor to the joy of the journey of this mystery called life.

If you are interested the "brother" to this picture is called "Man holding the sun" and can be found on my other blog http://www.writingisgoodforthesoul.blogspot.com/.

The Beauty of Sundays ...

Weekends are filled with so many things, but for me Sundays are home time to be spent with my husband, friends and family.

Sundays are the days that fill you up for the week of work ahead. Sundays are the days that treat your soul to whatever it desires.

Friday and Saturday nights seem to be more active and usually no plans are made for Sundays... so they are free to be anything... and that is their beauty.

If left to their own devices, Sundays usually end with wonderful sunsets as if to bring a canopy of the weekend down and give you a few last moments of beauty before you rush back into the hectic week ahead filled with work, obligations and innumerable tasks that must be checked off of some list.

I used to get so upset on Sunday nights because it meant either school was starting the next day or work - and I would mentally start preparing for them and miss Sundays' all together. Once I changed my mental attitude towards the "what would come next" that automatically lodged me into "prepare" mode... I was able to slow down and just enjoy the moments.

I'm so glad...

I spent years missing the beauty... but instead of regretting it, I'm going to embrace the fact that I have realized it now and have many many years to enjoy them... I hope you take the time to do the same thing.

Days go by....

If we are not lucky, we will wake up one day having lived our entire life with nothing to show for it. No, I don't mean riches and material wealth. I am referring to the quality of our experiences, the richness of our life, the love of our family & friends, the depth of our convictions and proof of our own integrity in our actions.

As the moon sets on every day it shows us that more of the time we have been allotted in this lifetime is passing. A tangible sign that marks the hours, the minutes and the seconds that we have no control over.

Time and its measure will not change it is what we do with it that we can change. When the sun sets do you wonder what you did that day to make a difference in the world? To your friends? To your family? To your loved ones? To yourself?

I guess one of the good things with the sunsets - you know a sunrise is going to follow and that there is another chance to start all over again with what you may have missed from the day (or days) before. It's a pretty big gamble though - to assume that you will be present to "fix" things the next day. What if you are not? What if they are not?

I'm not trying to sound fatalistic, but waiting to do the right thing, take that scary step etc. might not always be the best way to do things. You might never get the chance again.

What is the worse that can happen - you try and what, you fail? Is that so bad? Is it not better to have tried and not succeeded than to not have tried at all. Does that in and of itself not make the choice to act a success regardless of the outcome?

We always think of time as something to be measured in decades, years, months, weeks, days, minutes, seconds etc., What would happen if we stopped quanitifying and thus allowing ourselves a "delay" timetable of "I'll do it later... I'll do it when... etc." "I'll be happy when... I lose this weight, when... (fill in your own blank).. It's almost as if we won't allow ourselves to be happy until it is too late to feel the joy ...

Maybe knowing we can say or do what we need to do, when we want to will take some of the pressure and fear away from a situation that makes us halt in retreat.

Time will pass us all - far too quickly that is a truth for all of us. What matters is how we use that gift of time. We spend so many years not knowing what to do with our time and our lives instead of embracing just living and being.

Perhaps that is how we get time to slow down and have some meaning - by simply being present in it. By being aware and open to whatever is happening and accepting it as it is and not trying to change it or question it. It just is.

Photo credit: Savonello - Luna Saracena2. http://www.flickr.com/photos/savonello/

Morphing into me...

At least that is what I think is happening - but I haven't had my morning latte yet, so am not quite sure. Mornings really are sacred - or they should be. While I try to be a positive person, I really dislike the barrage of noise once the city starts to wake up and get on with its day.

Reasonably I know that as the hours have progressed the noise has increased - I just wish it would stay quiet longer ....

I am definately one of those people that could easily and very happily become a hermit. I have very little need to go anywhere these days. I can write from home, spend time in my garden and most things that require outside assistance can be done online or via the telephone. Yet I know deep down that the world will not let me - or more accurately my life and perhaps that is as it should be.

I enjoy solitude in fact seek it out far more than most other things. I think when the universe pushes me out of my comfort zone it is to teach me something and most times I am grateful. For example - I spend many hours in my garden - spreading my heart, love, hopes and dreams into all that I do and can be quite frustrated when people let their dogs loose to do their business within it (while I am on hands and knees in the very same garden).

I can also get frustrated when parents just let their children beat about the plants, beating the heads off of the carefully cultivated flowers for no reason - other than they are physically able to do so.

Yet this one day a tiny little girl was walking with her father and she had a flower in her hand. My first instinct was to cringe and think she was going to break off some of the flowers from their stem and take them with her - but to my complete surprise she did not. She bent down to where the other plants had been chopped off and placed her pink flowers there. She carefully moved the earth to support its newest charge, stood up and asked her father if that would make the garden feel better. (That is the picture in today's post)

I stood there in awe of this little girl with more than a few tears in my eyes - she turned to smile at me and gave me a little wave. I heard myself saying thank you, but I knew she was too young to understand what I was really thanking her for, or perhaps not if she had enough maturity to do what she did.

What I learned that day was that if you hold on too tightly to things - they will go in one way or another, but if you let it go, just be - things will always work out. I also learned that just because one person acts one way - it doesnt mean all people will and not to prejudge everyone. I learned that hanging on to the negatives only make me unhappy.

I've always had issues with trust and faith and this one little incident is making me a believer again. It's amazing how one little thing can change your frame of reference - and you are never the same again.

In some way that might sound insane - as I remember that little girl - in my minds eye, I can also see myself as a little girl doing the same thing - and perhaps the daughter I do not have yet, or even the little girl down the street.

I think what I am trying to say is that one simple thing, one word, one gesture, one person - done with the right heart condition, can change everything. We all wait for the grand gestures but really its all the little things that matter.

I'm not sure how to sum up that experience, but I learned something yesterday that might just do. I learned that when Tibetan people greet each other - they put their hands palm together, fingers facing upwards in front of their chest, they bow and say the words "Tashi deley". The words mean I honor the magnificence in you. I think that is a beautiful way to acknowledge each other and our contributions to life - from a place of faith and compassion and I'm going to do that today...

In an attempt to reduce my stress regarding the flower situation, I'm going to try something I have learned and will start by saying: I want to acknowledge to the universe that while I create my garden in memory of my mother and father and as my silent tribue to love, life, memories, friendship, hopes and dreams - I realize that nobody else knows what it means to me and thus, do not have the same affinity for it.

I also realize that beauty is for all to share and I do build the garden to share its beauty - I do however ask and hope that people would just let it be - for all to enjoy. Once the flower is taken - the joy can only be experienced by the person that took it - and the rest of the plant begins to die. For all of their beauty and all they offer us - they are really only here for such a short time and we should enjoy and appreciate them, not be selfish enough to take that joy from anybody else.

That said, with this I vow to let them go with love and my best wishes. If you are in need of the love and beauty my flowers provide - please take them with the blessings of my heart - as obviously you need the gifts with which they were cultivated and grown.

Actually.. in writing this I now realize that what I have said is not entirely true. Well it is true, it was just an unfinished perception. I said eagerly that once the flowers have been cut they die and bring no pleasure to anybody. Did I not just find huge pleasure from the gesture of the little girl to leave the fresh flowers from somewhere else in my garden???

Funnily enough... you know what... the "noise" outside has quieted down... Perhaps it was my own arrogance and ego making such discontent within me ...

Lesson learned... thank you...

Tashi deley...

It's been a while..

And now I'm back.

I've been travelling, working, gardening, writing, loving, laughing, grieving and giggling while handling my ever present health issues.

The days are passing, as are the nights and slowly I am becoming myself again.

It's interesting how there are times when you need to withdraw from the world to be part of it.

I'm not used to being a passive interloper in this thing called life and am trying to take the lessons of patience and gratitude from having this time. Many would be grateful for the gift of time and I am working towards feeling that for myself and then I won't feel this time is being spent in vain.

I trust in the bigger picture and am doing my best to let go of the control I have always felt a need to have. I'm going to try to switch to a place of operating from faith instead of fear.

I was in my garden today and took a picture of one of the flowers. I love flowers, always have and I suspect always will. I'm posting it here because in one of the blogs I read quite often, it speaks of being creative every day as a way of showing/allowing appreciation and gratefullness to be present in your life.

I am grateful for the beauty of my garden and the wisdom of my mother to help me with the garden, even though she is no longer here with me to help or see the treasures from my toils.

I am grateful for the sense of pride and peace I receive from making my memorial garden for the parents I have loved and lost.

This picture is one of the many Hydrangeas that is blooming - but I must admit - the only one that has blue, pink and purple all in one plant. I am so happy that I saw this little beauty.

Day by day, step by step, breath by breath...