How do we know, what we know?

Well here we are again, another Monday. Why does time go so much quicker now that we are older? Even the times that used to drag on seem to go much faster. Are we just that much more aware of it, or it is because at some age we are ever mindful that it is fleeting and our days are never promised?

I know that events in our daily lives and in those that are in our close circle affect us as well. Good or bad.

But what is it within each of us that finds and assigns all of this information to a place within us so that it is accessible when and where we need it? Where does it get decided that we can only handle this much sadness before our awareness shuts down, where does it go? Who decides we can only handle this many dreams before they are stopped at a certain stage? Does the dream die or just go back to sleep?

What part of us decides each and every day to open our eyes, get our brains and bodies in gear and get on with this thing called living? I'm not saying its a bad thing - in fact the opposite, its fabulous. I just wonder how it all happens.

Like this tree - how does each branch know where to go? How to fall? How to grow a new sprout or leave from? Does it just happen organically? Is that the same for us? Does this tree have flow, chi, life force, spirit in the same way that we do, because obviously it is alive and growing?

Does this tree have any awareness of its own life cycle? Does it age differently once it has reached a certain amount of years? Does its growth pattern slow down? Do more leaves each year turn brown faster? Do less grow? How does it fight off the many rodents, insects etc., and stay healthy?

I'm really curious today about these sorts of things. Perhaps because of the mortality issues that came up this weekend or perhaps because of some switch that went off inside of me, unbeknownst to me, today this is where my thoughts are. See what I mean, where do our thoughts come from? How do they get processed into a way we can even wrap our mind around them to even be aware of them, much less consider them, ponder then and find an answer to?

I know this is done as part of the miracle of creation, but I wonder how much more can be gained within our selves if we can tap into this at will. Is there an infinite amount of wisdom we can attain based on our number of breaths, or it is simply a function of only how much we can reach within ourselves because we don't know how to get at the rest?

Did we have it all as a child and lose it because we were molded to think only certain ways by those who taught us what they knew? Do we lose access to this as we age or do we just forget out to get at it and use it? Do children access it when they use their imaginations at playtime? Is this kind of what we try to do when we meditate, try to access that part of ourselves that we have told to be quiet for so long in order to do mature, adult stuff?

What about being quiet and trying to access that part of us that makes us fall to sleep? Have you ever noticed that if you try too hard to meditate that you fall asleep instead? By repetitive prayer the same thing can happen. Perhaps it isn't sleep but a random state in between that we are lulled into by our own words and vibrations. But what happens then, in that state of awareness, once you acknowledge it, does it disappear? How can you acknowledge this place and work within it without losing that place all together?

I've been doing some research on the various brain waves, theta waves to be specific and how they can get past your ego and all the other barriers to get the messages to our innermost being. Ok.. sure... how do we do that? We can listen to someone elses prerecorded messages, but how do we know what they are actually saying because we cannot actually hear the vibration? Can we prerecord our own messages to be delivered to ourselves on that level? We are really kind of leaving it up to chance if we do it the other way, and are just hoping to feel something good to know that it is working. Doesn't mean I won't continue to try, because I decided to take that leap of faith and believe anybody recording this type of thing would be spiritually advanced enough to not want to take advantage of people wanting to grow.

Maybe it is is those theta messages that are making my mind expand enough to consider all of these things? The Universe is bringing all of things to me for myself personally and to ready me for the novel that I am going to write? Like the tree branches reaching outwardly, they all meet back at the same place, like my story does.

There are so many things I want to understand, so much I am afraid to miss. Yet I am absolutely confident that whatever I am here to experience, I will experience because I am open to it. Internally and externally. How do I know that? I couldn't say, I just know that I feel it and that I am, and that is good enough for me. Perhaps that is enough of an answer to my questions today... and I should just go out and enjoy it.

See you again soon...

Is grief really the same for all of us?

I've been trying to think about what to write today. I had some great ideas before I fell asleep last night, but they don't seem as brilliant in the light of day.

Today is the anniversary of my fathers death and I know that I am supposed to take this time to think of all the goodness and fun things we shared but I find that hard to do when I am sad.

As a child I don't think I knew or understood what death was or the impact it had on me at that time or moving forward. I don't think it ever really gets explained to us at that age, which is as it should be I guess. But when we become adults I don't think we even know then, what death means to us, or how to "get through" it.

You hear the adages like "time will heal" etc., and while I know that the pain does become more manageable and less all consuming in that moment, it doesn't really ever go away. It does change and you find some place within you of acceptance but is there a way to manage it while you are going through it?

I've seen the stages of grief that are common out there and I would imagine that they are fairly accurate, but I don't find knowing them to be helpful at all. Logically I know that the death and loss of someone will not kill me, but knowing the way I am going to feel does very little to actually help me get through it. Perhaps being able to look at this list shows me that what I am feeling is "normal" or that I am "progressing" through the stages - so that in and of itself helps, but I'm talking about the day to day things. That moment when your heart catches in your throat and you cannot hold back that deep inhale or exhalation of pain and fear that holds you tightly in its grip. That moment when you hear a certain song on the radio that you just cannot help but cry. That moment when the words get stuck in your throat so that you simply cannot speak. The moments when you feel your heart breaking into a thousand little pieces all around you and you are not sure if you can pick them all up again to regain yourself.

I know all of these feelings are "normal" and things we all go through, but is it different for each of us, or is it that sameness that gives us the empathy to help each other? Is that why we can hear a friends story and feel that familiar feeling within us and know how they feel? Is that how we know what to say when someone else is suffering? Is this how we heal ourselves, by helping others through their sorrow? Is this how we regain those shatters of our heart, but bringing them back together for someone else?

I was on the phone with a long time friend earlier today and his wife was diagnosed with her second cancer. As we all know - Second Cancers are worst than the first and are usually not well tolerated. I know with my dad, his first cancer was colon, his second cancer was the colon cancer migrating to his liver and lungs. It was terminal from the beginning but that still doesn't prevent you from hoping. Especially since he had reached the 5 year plus mark with the first cancer. But we were wrong. This was quick and devastating - and he was gone within 8 months. He turned 60, 22 days before he died.

My friends wife had breast cancer almost 6 years ago. Lost both breasts to the disease but survived and was at her 5 year, 8 month mark when it came back last month. She now has the breast cancer migrating to her bones, her spine, her kidneys, liver and above her right eye. It is not survivable, it is about treating her and managing things for her, for as long as her body and spirit are able to survive. Her family has been through this before, but this time I will imagine it is different. Knowing in advance it is terminal, somehow makes the treatments and quality of life in the meantime, seem so much different. I don't know how to keep up the fight knowing it is hopeless. At what time do you decide the cost of trying to stay alive is too much to bear? If not for yourself, for your loved ones. I'm not sure what desperation feels like - true desperation, but I hope that she finds enough time to make peace with her life and loved ones before her time with us is done. She is 44.

During our conversation he talked to me about another fellow and his wife that we have known for years - almost 20. While we are no longer close - for no particular reason other than life having taken us in different directions. His wife is also on her second cancer. Her breast cancer has now migrated to her brain. Her breast cancer was extremely aggressive and she has used her lifetime of chemo and radiation treatments so her options are quite limited. Her first surgery will leave blind in her right eye at the very least. Her diagnosis is also terminal. Perhaps she has less time to live than our friend above, but as we just saw with Ted Kennedy, from diagnosis to death is a rather quick journey for all those involved. I am not sure how she will say goodbye to her children or her family, it is something I cannot imagine. She is 41 and far too young.

In reading a book, to help me with my next novel, which must have obviously came to me to help me prepare for today, without me knowing what was coming I might add - I came upon a paragraph called "Healing the Second Layer: Sadness" It says "to penetrate this layer, we must cry. We must feel sad." It goes on to say "When you can't talk about certain events in your life without your lower lip quivering, you still have sadness left. When you have cried out all of your tears, its over. You're ready to move to the next layer."

I don't know how to cry enough tears to be ready for the next layer - for mum, dad or my friends. Yet I feel that I must in order to be of any help to them. If it was me, would I want my friends to sit and cry with me to share the pain or would I want to see their strength? I really don't know. I think I would probably want both - for them to share my pain with me but to also share their strength so I would be able to find some joy in whatever time I had left.

Do the stages of grief that I spoke of earlier - do they help with things like this? How can they possibly be the same if you have advance knowledge of what is to happen? How is knowing you are going to die from a disease, the same as having lost someone in a car accident? Are the stages the same for all of us, for my friends, their partners, children, families? How can that be?

I used to struggle with the idea of not wanting to know, versus knowing and having time and in fact, I'm not sure if this is a coincidence, but this is actually the basis of the novel I am writing for this years 3 Day Novel Contest. I imagine the universe is bringing all of the elements together for me to actually be able to consider both sides of this for my book. I've been struggling a little bit with how to make it work, how to be real, but as of today with my latest phone call, I now have the "tools" I need to make an accurate story.

Perhaps this will be my tribute to them. In fact, I will dedicate this book to them. I don't know what else to say today other than I miss mum, my dad and I feel so sad for my two friends, their husbands and their families. Distance means nothing when the chips are down, time is only a measure of what is left, not of what has come before or what will come next. We need a new way to measure that... and only time will tell.

I hope that I am not being selfish by writing about my family and friends as a way to find peace and deal with what I feel about the various situations, I just don't know what else to do right now. So I will do what comes naturally and what has always been my answer...

Talk to you again soon....

Freedom from the inside out...

Do you ever wonder what personal freedom is? What it means? How it affects you every day?

Do we really know what freedom is or it is just a concept from times gone by that we struggle with, yet want to feel that we are living within its gifts?

On a personal level, the concept gets even harder to sort out. Especially once the bigger issues like homes, lodging, security, stability, safety etc,. are all taken care of. Ok.. so Maslow's needs are out of the way, but what now? Are we ever taught what to do to feel free within ourselves? It is some obscure concept that we continually reach for or is it so hidden within that it only comes to our awareness when we see photos like this? How many of us would love to do that, have that feeling? Heck to even have thought of it?

When I see pictures like this it reminds me of how I want to feel each and every day. I want to live that joy, with courage, honor, integrity and truly feel it. I want the bliss of that moment, for as many moments I can have it. Maybe that is selfish but you know what - I really dont care. Me being happy is good for me. I'm not saying I want it at the expense of other people. But honestly, what could it actually cost me or anyone else to run across the beach in a red dress??? See... I thought you would see it my way.

I think I might even suggest this for a group of friends that meet once a month. Just as an opportunity to be free, laugh without holding anything back and who the heck cares what happens next. I wonder if that is what truly living in the moment is?

I know I keep on getting in my own way and perhaps I need a symbolic gesture to get rid of the fear that I know is behind it. So... I am going to do it. I'm now going to search for the right red dress. You are welcome to join me, but if you don't - just try to find your own red dress moment. If you cannot live your entire life with the freedom you want, try to find it in a truly elegant, sumptuous moment that you share with yourself. I think I am going to really indulge and go to a local Confection store on the way so when I am done running, I can sit in the sand in the dress I love, but dont care about getting wet or full of sand (yes, I know that will be hard) and have my cake and eat it too!

What are you going to do to get out of your own way? What is your personal gesture to yourself, because you know, that is all that really matters.

Perfect Moments are Signs...

As you know, I believe in the Law of Attraction and how we are all energy and connected to each other.

Today was another reminder of just how true that is for me, and how synchronicity is just perfect.

I ran into an old friend today that I hadn't seen in a few years. We hadn't parted on bad terms or anything like that, life just had us on different paths that didn't seem to cross as often. Yet today couldn't have been designed or planned any better.

After our 3 1/2 hour "lunch" I came away completely energized and beyond happy. My friend and I had, from my perspective, learned more about each other in those few hours, than we had in the previous ten years of knowing each other. Perhaps it is because we finally had the one on one time to learn these things or perhaps we are just in the same place at that same time right now.

NO, we are not living identical lives, but I mean spiritually - as in what we are looking for within and with out. I think it is amazing that by learning to be more of ourselves, we sometimes find we have more to share with others. I'm not sure how that works exactly but I find it to be true and have done, on many occasions. Perhaps it is because the more comfortable we are with ourselves the more we feel free to share with others and the universe we are exploring? Maybe it is just because finally being open to experience life, brings all of those who are living their lives, into our energy field because we are now attracting like minded people.

Sitting with my friend today, while I hope we did equal amounts of talking and I didnt take over too much in my excitement to see her, was amazing. I had the opportunity to see her blossom beyond perhaps what she had ever dreamed for herself, or perhaps had not even known she had given up on previously. I suspect, more accurately is that she just got lost along the way and didnt even realize it until she realized she no longer felt alive. I can say that without malice or judgement because I was once in her shoes.

Sometimes you are able to learn and grow with the people that are in your life and sometimes it takes some pretty heavy weeding of yourself and your garden. To be strong and courageous enough to put yourself, your life, your wants and your needs first - is one of the best gifts you will ever give yourself. Once you are your own person, you then have so much to give others - old and new. That old saying really is true about taking care of yourself will make you able to make others happy as well. I just never got it as clearly as I did today in seeing my friend.

If I am to be honest, I also enjoyed sharing this journey with her because it reminded me of what I have learned and brought into my own life as well and just how grateful I am that I learned the things I did. I know.. big run on sentence. But you get the idea. I hope that doesnt sound too selfish, but it felt good to know I wasnt alone and wasnt the only woman that felt this way.

Married or not, taking care of ourselves, becoming who we truly are, following our own dreams as well as being part of others - these are all small parts of the entire being that we are. We cannot cut out any one part or it just simply wont work.

I am so happy for my friend with her "new" life and her "new" journey and I am so proud to be part of it with her. I know that no matter what, todays perfect moment was to show us both, that we are on the right path. I know I look for signs - and today, for me, she was it!

Thank you Universe... thank you friend... xxoo

It's been a busy two weeks....

I would be remiss if I didn't start this posting with a message of love. Today would have been my fathers' 63rd birthday if he was still alive.

While we didn't always have the best of relationships while he was alive, we don't have one at all now - and trust me, that is worse.

I have his picture on the mantle and I talk to him now. I have the conversations with him that I wish we would have had while he was still alive.

I know somewhere he hears me and that we have both forgiven each other for our human frailties, imperfections and judgments. I also know that without a doubt I love my father very much, just as he loved me too. I now remember even the smallest of details of our relationship and cherish them, vow to hold on to them.

My only regret if that is the word to use, is that I came to this place of forgiveness and realization when it was too late to do anything about it. On some level I am still mourning the 'what could have been" as well as the man I knew and the man I wished I had known.

Perhaps that is what it should be...Happy Birthday Dad... I love you and miss you.

Now back to regular business where has the time gone? One of my wonderful friends took me to the taping of "Dr. John Gray - Women on Fire, Men on Ice" for PBS the other day. I love a lot of his relationship and life advise, and this was no different. What was different however was knowing you were being taped the entire time and the release of our images for future use. *lol*... I do now have to watch PBS to see what I can see. *lol*

As you all know it is my dream to be a successful, paid writer/author and while I continue to work in that regard, I have tried to figure out a way to keep myself in the "world loop" and be an active participant within it. I also wanted to feel like I was being productive financially and not just relying on my husband for support. That isn't to say he is anything but supportive in all ways, its just something I wanted to do, for me. So.. I started my own business.

The goal was to be able to work from home so I could continue writing as and when I wanted to, in order to get my books - both the childrens' books I do with another friend and the fiction novels I write myself, published and on their way to being New York Times best sellers. I also wanted to make some seed money so I could partner with my friend and open up a childrens' book store and continue to purchase investment properties.

So.. I put that out to the universe and within two days, had two paying clients. Right now we are hourly until we sort out the details of our situation together, but both clients want me on retainer for long term contracts.Then yesterday, seemingly out of nowhere I had another friend ask me if I would co-write a book with her. Absolutely! I can hardly believe it but I am truly excited about it and it feels good inside. I'm on my way and it feels wonderful and I am so very grateful. I have a wonderful life that I do not take for granted, even for a moment.

Well I should go for now, but I just wanted to share the joy I am feeling with those in my life. I wish the very same for each of you. We'll talk again soon.