Be your own perfect reflection...

Today I am filled with thoughts of just how the universe works. I believe in the law of attraction, I believe in the golden rule and I believe that what you need is given to you exactly when you need it. I am sure these are all connected and are a result of each other, but how does it happen? I think that is why I liked this picture for today's post. How does the Universe itself create such a perfect reflection of what is going on internally - externally?

When you heart is looking for a true friend - where does the Universe find them and how do it know how to present you to each other in a non threatening, non invasive - safe way? How does it know which opportunities to present to you and which ones to send in another direction?

Is any of this in direct correlation to how open we are with ourselves and our own personal truths? I know that I have been on my own personal path of truth for a few years now - at least five. When I took a moment to stop - ok it was a forced moment - but the end result was the same, I had no idea how much chaos had surrounded my life. Not from my life specifically but from those I had chosen to surround myself with. From those I had chosen to share myself and my life with - those people called friends.

I had been so busy trying to "live" what I thought "living life" was, being a good friend etc., - I was missing the boat. During all of this time I had always felt the need to search, to learn and to grow - but didn't always know what I was looking for or why. In hindsight I can now see it was my soul pushing, prodding and poking me to get out of these chaotic friendships that were pushing me farther away from my true self. I had gone so far into the chaos that when it stopped, I felt like I was seeing for the first time.

Emerging from that was an incredible gift. Many years ago a friend "S" told me I would be looking for this freedom, path of truth - but when she told me, I had no idea what she was talking about. But after the drama ended I called and asked her if this was what she had "seen" and been referring to. She confirmed that it was her vision and that I would be continuing along this path of truth and spiritualness and that some in my life wouldn't like it, would feel threatened and/or challenged by it and would no longer be in my life.

True enough, that is what happened. Surprisingly though - I do not miss those people one ounce. I called it "weeding my garden", others use the "Reason, Season or Lifetime" to explain the changes away, but either way, letting go of what no longer serves us is the only way we can open ourselves to what is coming. If we have no room within us, the goodness will have no place to land and settle in.

My journey to date - from that abrupt starting point on December 13, 2005 - has been incredible. Feeling the freedom to be my true self, to put myself out there without feeling like I have to hide - has been amazing. A huge adjustment to be true - but amazing none the less. I love not having to "Play a role" as anything other than myself in my friendships. Honestly, it is only in hindsight that I realized I felt the need to do that before. Not sure how self imposed it was, but it was something that emotionally and physically taxing and I am so glad I no longer carry that weight.

I love being able to put myself forward (when I am ready to feel that vulnerable of course) and be ok with whatever happens. I know it will not change who I am inside and I trust that who and what should be in my life - are and will be.

Perhaps being sick for the last 18 months has had a lot to do with my perception of things, and if that is one of the gifts that resulted from this - I am grateful. As we all know I don't get the subtle messages - I need to be hit over a head. Perhaps the illness was to show me I had gotten off track again, perhaps it was showing me the true strength I had inside, the courage I had within me to make the changes I never thought I could make. I do know that it taught me to believe in myself, trust my instinct and how to be my own champion. Perhaps I needed it so I could follow my dreams... Perhaps it was just the universe making it happen. The reflection of my inside life on my outside... not the illness, but the opportunity it presented me with. Literally.

What is the Universe doing for you right now? What subtle and not so subtle messages are you sending to yourself and those around you? Are you surrounding yourself - unknowingly - with people who will hold you back, while they pursue their own dreams and goals around you? Who in your life is lifting you up? Encouraging and supporting you as you learn and grow - within and outwardly out? What are you attracting & creating for yourself? What parts of you are you ignoring out of fear? What are you doing to make your insides match your outsides and be that pefect reflection?


Photo credit: "Perfect Reflection" by Laurent Bianchi.

Do we ever really know the people who stand beside us?

Apparently I have a lot to say today and am also not done with the Terra Cotta Warriors/Soldiers (see Writing is Good for the Soul blog for the other posting).

The last few days, as described earlier have also really made me question people in general. Not the friends and acquaintances I have in specific - but humanity in general. Take for example this morning - some drunk fellow went into a friends backyard - lunging himself at her front door as if to gain entrance, when he was refused he then went to another friends house and broke through her gate. I'm not sure what he was after - but the entire incident in and of itself is a little frightening. What if he had gained entrance to either home? What were his intentions, what could he have accomplished in his state? What on earth was he doing that drunk at 5am in the morning? What was his state of mind - do we really want to know?

The day before, as we came out of our home to take our dad for his surgery - we noticed someone had keyed our car. The very same car that was hit and run outside our home the week before. The same car that had all four tires slashed because I dared to look out of my window at the wrong time and some reprobate thought I was going to report him for his illegal activities. Where originally I wasn't going to - once he slashed my tires, he ensured what he didn't want to happen - happened.

I want to believe for the most part people are good, but things like this really make me think. They make me wonder how much we are products of our environments or simply of our choices. These people obviously live in the same community as I do - and I do not act that way, so it is not simply a choice made my simple geography. I see them, their homes and belongings and do not make a choice to damage or destroy them simply because they exist and I do not like them. Why do some people feel the need to do these things - and that they have the right or option to actually do so? I was not raised to believe I had the choice or option to touch someone else's things - I was taught to respect and value them, even more so if they were not my own. It would never cross my mind to hurt or damage something or someone - whether they were mine or not.

I think perhaps this bothers me today for more than just the obvious reason. It is also because I am struggling to find peace with the "lady" that shares my dad's life. After mom passed this woman told him she fell in love with him at our mom's funeral. I cannot tell you how inappropriate I find this - on all counts. They had been longtime friends - so I find it even more intolerable, but I seem to be alone in this regard.

In the two years that have passed this woman has ingratiated herself into his life and his world, at the expense of our family, and for some reason he hasn't noticed. Perhaps it is because she has kept him ill for the last 10 months - he has been too busy trying to keep hold of his health and sanity, while she steadfastly kept on with her own plan.

She booked him a cruise with her family over Christmas - at the expense of his own, same with Thanksgiving. She gave him tremendous amounts of grief for attending an annual family event - one we graciously invited her to join with us as a sign of some respect for her place in his life, that she accepted and then declined at the last moment. She let his health deteriorate without offering him help or any sort of assistance - while ensuring we were kept at a distance. She has steadfastly been improving her place in his life by keeping him ill and needing her - so much so that now he will hear not a word against her.

Where once he told us he would never marry again - she proudly displays a diamond promise ring she says he bought her, he has been too ill to comment or confront in this regard - and she always brings up this topic when he is not around.

Where once he told us he did not want to share homes or have a roommate again - she is constantly barraging us with stories of their house hunting and their plants for setting up home together.

When we agreed on specific details for his surgery, treatment and follow up - she went behind our backs, changed them all and did what she wanted, not what we wanted or was best for him.

When he called her in pain to take him to emergency she made him wait almost 4 hours while she pet sat her daughters dog. When she finally did take him - she left him there by himself, with no id, no wallet, no house keys and didn't tell any of his family until several hours later - when she had again gone home to take care of the dog. For some reason she felt the need to take his personal belongings from him, go to his house unattended, call us from there and then leave to take care of this dog. This makes no sense to me. In his morphine state in the emergency ward he told us of his fears for her casual attitude towards his health, but in the same breath apologized for being so strong with her when he asked her to take him to emergency.

All of her conversations are about her, her desire to continue her travels and get back to her life that he has taken from her with all this wasted time. Does she not realize he was sick and could have died? That the ten months she sat by and watched him waste away may cost him more than he can repair at his age of 75? Is this what love is - I think not.

Yet she stands beside him and professes her love... as we try to do our best to get him healthy and to protect him from this type of "love", I really do wonder... do we ever really know the people who stand beside us??

You never really stop loving someone, you just learn to try to live without them....

Where to start? It's been a rough few days...

Let's start with last week and my birthday. The exact day started with the knowledge that we were going to a memorial service for a family member. Hard to celebrate and be happy - even though on some level you know that sharing memories of a lost loved one is a great way to in fact celebrate their lives. I also know logically that what you feel is directly related to the impact this person has had on your life. That said, I was completely unprepared for what else happened that day. I saw my father in law - whom I call Dad - for the first time in a while and he looked more dead than alive. Having lost both mom and my dad last year - I do not say that lightly. The problem - besides his actual health? That I wasn't actually surprised. Let me explain.

Last year I went to see an amazing woman called "A" who was so perfect in her reading that I came away stunned and had to tell my family and friends about her. A few months ago I just felt the impulse to call her to schedule another appointment. As usual, she had a 3 month waiting period. Which as always - ends up being exactly what you need, when you need it. The day I saw her - she spoke to both my mom and dad, as she had before - but this time rather than just messages of love and remembrance, there were warnings and items to act on.

First about my car, driving it and how to avoid the accident that was about to happen. The second was about how ill dad really was and how with mom gone, I had to step in and take control or he would be gone by January. The third was about dad's family in England and that mom was with them, watching over them. The first point I took to heart and did exactly what was said. I'm not sure if I avoided the accident that was foretold by following their advise, but in my mind - I cannot entirely dismiss it either.

The third part made me feel comfortable to know that mom was watching over the family she had married into almost 50 years ago. She had no words of warning or how to help, just that she was there and knew what was going on.

The second part however, went on in great detail. The specifics of his health, how bad it was. How stubborn he was being, how his new lady friend - while being a companion, was not in fact taking care of his health and he was too ill too see it, or do anything about it or for himself any longer. I knew I had to act and two days later when I saw him - I knew mom had sent me the message for a reason. She told me I was the only one in the family that could do what needed to be done and that she needed me to do it now that she was no longer here. She said I was her daughter and needed to pick up where she left off and she would help me find a way.

When I saw him last Wednesday that was the proof and I went immediately into action. I did manage to get him in to have surgery yesterday -for which I am eternally grateful. At least now part of his illness will be managed. The rest remains to be seen. I am struggling with the fact that I did not act sooner - while fully knowing that he did not let any of us know how sick he was and did not allow opportunity to accept any sort of help. I also know that in my role within our family - this will be the tasks listed under my column. I do not mean that in any negative way - I just know it is mine and have accepted it with love. I will do it for him, for mom and for the rest of my family. We all have our roles and this is now part of mine.

I'm not sure exactly what I believe and I know I probably haven't said enough of the story here - but some of it is too private - yes, despite having this blog on the net. I know mom got the messages to me that I needed to get, that the family needed and I am grateful. This is the second time that I have been able to cross the barrier with the help of "A" and it really makes me think about what happens next...

I am going to do whatever I can to explore that further and continue along those lines... perhaps find a way to write about it in one of my novels... after all, all of us writers use our own lives and experiences as inspiration...and in that way, I am no different...

I'm not sure I got everything that I want to say out for today.. so I may be back.. I might add a new post or even edit this one... just looking for more clarity... but I do hope you find what you are looking for today...

No longer the tired Superhero....

This picture is called Ballad to a tired Superhero but I haven't been able to find out by who, so please let me know if you know.. and I will mention the correct credits or remove as requested.

I love this picture because it reminds me so much of what happens in our lives each and every day. We all have such high expectations of both ourselves and of others. We also strive to meet and exceed what we are personally capable of and end up tired, over used, exhausted and overwhelmed by what is left behind. This then creates yet another thing we need to fix.

When exactly did we sign up for this roller coaster or treadmill? I don't recall signing my life away on any form and I don't recall meeting the Smiths or Jones or whomever I am supposed to be keeping up with. I'm just trying to live a good, honest and productive life and have the audacity to want to enjoy it at the same time. Imagine! I know... I know.. such a dreamer...

I am like everybody else I know creating a life that supports and encourages me - each and every day, through the choices that I make, the thoughts that I have and the people I surround myself with. Opportunities and examples abound - but why is that when we get closer to our dreams that we continually step on our own feet, get caught in our own superhero capes? I have no problem whatsoever in helping everybody else reach their own goals - but cannot quite grasp making my own happen. That is not to say I am unhappy because the exact opposite is true - I love my life and I love the direction I am moving in. I just wonder how to move forward without getting tired by giving too much of myself to others and not enough to myself?

I want to concentrate on my writing to give it an honest chance, yet I find myself crawling back to my previous comfort zone any time my muse is taking a well deserved vacation. It's not that I don't believe in myself, because I do - I really do. I have no doubts I will succeed, but it is just this simple - I have never prepared myself for success. Accepting failure is a norm we are all prepared for during our lives and is somehow more acceptable than succeeding. I'm not sure how or why that happened or if it was just something created by those that didn't ever find their way and were looking for an excuse to not feel bad. Accept mediocrity - never. Accept success - see that is a hard one.

Perhaps if I become more clear on what my idea of success is that will help. My idea of success is to be well compensated, be able to work from the privacy of my own home, have the money to have all the choices I want to make, to have time with my husband, to experience the things I want from life, to have the money to give back in enough of a way to make a difference. I know money isn't a panacea for life but it does help to get some of the things done that we want to achieve. That old saying of it takes money to make money is true, but it also takes money to make a difference. Yes I volunteer and do other good deeds, but I want to make a difference on a larger scale. That is why I write. I want to affect people, I want to change thinking, I want to make people feel something - anything. I want to have not lived in vain and to have wasted my time here on this planet.

I have so much to do, so much I want to do and so much time to do it... I'm healthy again am I'm working on everything all at once. I just don't want to be that tired superhero I was trying to be ever again. There, I put it all out there - I want to succeed, I want to put myself out there, I want all of the things I dreamed for myself to happen. There Universe - make that happen. I dare you...

We are better because you were here... Thank you..

I grew up with you and am so very grateful you were here on this planet with us. I am so glad you thrived despite the inhumanity that surrounded you and took so much of your life force and energy away. All you ever tried to do was to live and love through your music. You gave for your entire life and I only hope you knew then and now how much we love you and always have. Rest in peace now that you are free to live your joy. See you when my time is done... I can't wait to hear what you will have ready for us when we get there.

Keep smiling Michael... with love and thanks.

Happy Canada Day!

" Canada Day is an opportunity to gather in our communities, from coast to coast to coast, and to proudly celebrate all we have in common. It is an opportunity to celebrate our achievements, which were born in the audacious vision and shared values of our ancestors, and which are voiced in nearly all of the languages of the world through the contribution of new Canadians.

Canada Day is a time to celebrate the heritage passed down to us through the works of our authors, poets, artists and performers. It is a time to rejoice in the discoveries of our scientific researchers, in the success of our entrepreneurs, and to commemorate our history - a history in which each new chapter reveals itself to be more touching, more fascinating than the last.

As we look ahead, we have every reason to face the future with confidence and enthusiasm."

Copied from: http://www.pch.gc.ca/special/canada/11/canada-eng.cfm