Trust yourself... period.

I am writing today because again, I have something to say. Yes, it is important to me, but that is how I do it. I dont know what I want to say, until I see what comes from my fingers. Somehow I don't edit myself the same way if I am typing.

What brings me here today? Well I am angry. Really angry and I need to get it out before it destroys me from the inside out.  The problem you ask, besides growing up and being told "good girls dont show their emotions?".... My doctor recently began to clean out her office files and gave me a package of my old test results etc., that she was going to throw out. I put them in my bedside table thinking I would throw them out the next day. I couldnt sleep and thought it would be typical "beside, put me to sleep reading". I couldnt have been more wrong. In those notes I found a copy of a medical report that says I have PCOS and have since I was 19. In actual fact there were two copies of this report in my file. Before reacting or over reacting, I had already booked a follow up appointment, so thought I would wait and ask her about how this diagnosis had affected my fertility, thyroid etc., and how she had treated this as part of my overall condition.

Then I kept on reading and found my TSH levels and B12 levels had been out for 10 years before she addressed either one. Despite me saying that I didnt feel well, for that entire time. I guess she just thought I was a hypochondriac. Can I be that if the test results show it? Or does that not mean I was right and not feeling well for a real reason?

I could go on about the other things I found in my report - but suffice to say, when I went back for my next appointment I asked. I couldnt have been more surprised. She obviously hadn't read any of my file and hadnt checked it since I became her patient in 1989. I had assumed since she knew we were trying for children, had 2 miscarriages - she may have looked into my medical history to see what, if anything, may be having an impact on why we werent able to get pregnant. Now I know that the entire time and her diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" were incorrect. (Did I also mention I heard last night she did the same with one of my best girlfriends - ignored her concerns about having breast issues, who has now been diagnosed with breast cancer? )

At 43 and in peri-menopause, it is too late to change it. Not that I want to, but holy hannah. I am not sure how to sort through this and the other information. I am also curious about what 20 years of untreated problems has done to my internal body.

I know we are to trust ourselves... but how is that possible when you listen to yourself and spend years hearing you are wrong. How do you learn to trust yourself when you are told you are wrong? Then later learn you were right all along?