Trust yourself... period.

I am writing today because again, I have something to say. Yes, it is important to me, but that is how I do it. I dont know what I want to say, until I see what comes from my fingers. Somehow I don't edit myself the same way if I am typing.

What brings me here today? Well I am angry. Really angry and I need to get it out before it destroys me from the inside out.  The problem you ask, besides growing up and being told "good girls dont show their emotions?".... My doctor recently began to clean out her office files and gave me a package of my old test results etc., that she was going to throw out. I put them in my bedside table thinking I would throw them out the next day. I couldnt sleep and thought it would be typical "beside, put me to sleep reading". I couldnt have been more wrong. In those notes I found a copy of a medical report that says I have PCOS and have since I was 19. In actual fact there were two copies of this report in my file. Before reacting or over reacting, I had already booked a follow up appointment, so thought I would wait and ask her about how this diagnosis had affected my fertility, thyroid etc., and how she had treated this as part of my overall condition.

Then I kept on reading and found my TSH levels and B12 levels had been out for 10 years before she addressed either one. Despite me saying that I didnt feel well, for that entire time. I guess she just thought I was a hypochondriac. Can I be that if the test results show it? Or does that not mean I was right and not feeling well for a real reason?

I could go on about the other things I found in my report - but suffice to say, when I went back for my next appointment I asked. I couldnt have been more surprised. She obviously hadn't read any of my file and hadnt checked it since I became her patient in 1989. I had assumed since she knew we were trying for children, had 2 miscarriages - she may have looked into my medical history to see what, if anything, may be having an impact on why we werent able to get pregnant. Now I know that the entire time and her diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" were incorrect. (Did I also mention I heard last night she did the same with one of my best girlfriends - ignored her concerns about having breast issues, who has now been diagnosed with breast cancer? )

At 43 and in peri-menopause, it is too late to change it. Not that I want to, but holy hannah. I am not sure how to sort through this and the other information. I am also curious about what 20 years of untreated problems has done to my internal body.

I know we are to trust ourselves... but how is that possible when you listen to yourself and spend years hearing you are wrong. How do you learn to trust yourself when you are told you are wrong? Then later learn you were right all along?

Your thoughts become things...

Sundays are like rain. Both clear the way for new things to follow.  The rain clears away the clouds that get in our way - both mentally and physically. The rain feeds the growth of the earth and nourishes all.  Sundays do the same... it clears the way for the week that follows. Anything is possible starting Monday...

If you think about it, nightime is the same.  No matter what happens during the day, the night can erase it from your mind so when you wake, you have fresh eyes and fresh perspective.

As a child I didnt understand this and disliked Sundays... but now I do, just as I love the nightime and the rain.  What is it that you love? What allows you to change your perception?

I heard something the other day and I believe it. It isn't your body that changes your mind, it is  your mind that changes your body.  Your thoughts change things... you thoughts become things...

I wonder what those simple words mean to every different person?

I really have created what I wanted...I am so grateful.

Well to say its been a while, would be an understatement. The good part, is that I have been gone for a while, for a good reason. My business has been doing really well and has kept me busy and focused for the year. Things are more quiet over the summer and I plan on taking advantage of that time. This busy year has shown me how easy it is to get out of balance and then how being out of balance affects so many other things. So this summer, I plan on getting into some good habits that will have "stuck" by the time that work gets busy all over again.

This is a picture of a painting I own, called Landscape after the flood by Carl White. I have it in my office - a) because I love it and b) to remind me how fragile life really is - and to not take it for granted.

Yes I realize that I most likely ignored that second part for this year, but I am ok with recognizing it again now. Sometimes we have to put our heads down and work until we have the space not to. The painting also reminds me of how there is beauty in everything if we choose to see it. There is beauty in being busy, knowing that your skills and assets are of value to others. There is beauty in having a purpose and a role in your day to day life. There is beauty in having accomplished things outside of your comfort zone. There is beauty in the time spent building something you never thought you could achieve.

That is where I am if I am to be honest. I am still in amazed mode over what I have started to create with my business. I have an amazing group of women working with me, that believe in the same goals that I do. They support our purposes and causes and are in for the long haul, which makes a huge difference.

So, this gift of time that I am experiencing right now - I accept with gratitude and joy. It gives me an opportunity to re-balance, give back to myself and I will be all the better for it. I know the habits that I create over this new few weeks will go a long way to supporting me now as well as next year.

I had no idea that what I wished for, could actually happen, but it did - I actually created exactly what I wanted - to the last detail, of having time off over the summer to enjoy writing, while knowing I have steady paid work now and waiting for me again in August/September when the cycle will start all over again.

I love my life....and am so very grateful...