Owning your own Company is the ultimate Catch 22

Happy Saturday again. I have been trying to work hard to be able to take a much needed break. Some days are better than others, but I finally feel like I am able to take some time off without too many work instrusions.  Having my own business has truly made me realize that it is incredibly hard to set boundaries around time. Knowing what is required and being able to captialize on the opportunities as they present is critical to the long term success. Made only more difficult by managing the short term goals and expectations of your existing clients.

It is the ultimate Catch 22 - to take care of your clients, at times you cannot take care of yourself.  Yet when you cannot take the time to care for yourself, you cannot meet the needs of either your client or your business.  It is obvious how the priorities should be set and managed, but in the reality of daylight, it somehow seems harder.

Add to that a wish to always be your best, do your best and never let a client down - sets you up to always been needed, never allowing you a break.  Yet being needed is how the business thrives. I have great staff that work with me and for me that I am giving work to, that I can trust and count on, so that helps. 

I won't lie and say that there aren't moments when I would prefer to go back to the corporate world of Monday to Friday, 9 - 5 - but although I worked in that world, I was never that sort of clock watching person.  I always did whatever needed to be done, when it needed to be done, no matter what.  I think what I mean by this is sometimes I think it would be easier to have only one set of problems, or one companies problems to focus on.  I also think at times that I would be able to affect better results, being able to focus all of my energies, attention, skill and knowledge towards specific outcomes.  What I do now is client specific, but for several clients. I always try to give 100% but how is that possible when spread thinly over many clients and many priorities?

Thinking all of this, in this way, just proves I am ready for a break. See you again soon... most likely after I do the 3 Day Novel Contest again on the long weekend, but soon.

Take care of yourself until then.  

What do we really learn from the past?

Happy Saturday! Do you ever feel like you are being watched? Or do you prefer to be the watcher? I don't mean in a creepy way, just more of an observer of life.  I love people watching and am constantly amazed by the variety of people in this world. What I find even more interesting is while we are all so different, we are all basically the same. We all want the same things - love, happiness and enjoyment in life.  The end results and methods to achieve the goals may be different, but perhaps that is more directly linked to culture and geography, than something larger or sinister.

Today the news is dominated by the tragedy in Norway. While it is horrible beyond words, it is not the first time something like this has happened, nor will it be the last.  Some argue that it has been happening more because we see it more, but others say it is simply a matter of us knowing /hearing more because of the reach of news media.  Yet there is another part about the events and horrors we are not shown, yet are still out there, beyond our knowledge and reach. Either way, it is hard to actually understand the level of reach and influence on those who are aware.

Telling a story can bring attention to a cause or reason and be good, or can be an audience to fuel someone with other motives.  The fame game creates a much larger scope for those who are damaged among us, to operate within.  There is no way to govern this or to reduce the impact, just as there is no way to make it stop, if it received no attention.

The traditional argument of nature vs. nurture exists and will remain, for as long as humanity remains on this planet.  Right or Wrong. The reasons behind our actions are sometimes plain and other times cloaked. The one thing that is clear, is some animals kill to protect their lineage, survival of the fittest etc., but humans are the only ones to kill for sport.

When did the value of life become so casual? Is it our generation where war is a word we have grown up with? With so many conflicts happening in the world at all times, do we just accept it as normal?  Have we become oblivious and unable to understand the mechanism? Do the ends really justify the means? Do we kill so we are not killed? Perhaps in war, but not in regular daily life.  Why are video games so popular? By feeding into an agression we all have for survival purposes, does it too lose its boundaries and become something it should never have been?

I don't profess to have any solutions or even know all of the questions....but if every generation learns from the past, what exactly is it they are learning?

Where is my synchronisity?

I know I have used this picture before, but it called to me today, so I thought I would add it again.  Life is full of so many moments - so many choices, some within our control and some not.

This weekend was a prime example. It was a wonderful time with friends and was marred only by one of their cars being stolen and used in two break and enters Saturday night.  Which brings me to my concern. How much do we create? We were just talking about the neighborhood the night before and how it has become better over the years of our consistent effort (all of our neighbors, not just us). Yet in a moment of frustration, we each aired our concerns over things had happened in our first years on the street. Then that night the car got stolen... be careful what you spend your attention on.... *lol*

For that reason, I am not going to speak about it and just speak about how I am again looking for the synchronisity in life. I used to experience it all the time, but being off balance, has taken me out of that tract and I miss it.   Recently I started noticing time again... ie: 3:33, 4:44 so I know it is on its way back.... for which I am grateful. Some call it instinct - I just call it reinforcement that I am on my own track, as I should be.

I think that is all I wanted to talk about today.... but if not, I will be back....

Happy Canada Day!

I have watched coverage of new citizens, Will & Kate and am proud to be a Canadian.

While the weather here is not co-operating, the weather in other places seems to be beautiful. I hope everyone is having a great Canada Day enjoying time with their friends and family while being grateful for living in such a beautiful country with freedom and the ability to make choices for ourselves. 



Today's painting is called Parcifal and was painted by Carl White.

Trust yourself... period.

I am writing today because again, I have something to say. Yes, it is important to me, but that is how I do it. I dont know what I want to say, until I see what comes from my fingers. Somehow I don't edit myself the same way if I am typing.

What brings me here today? Well I am angry. Really angry and I need to get it out before it destroys me from the inside out.  The problem you ask, besides growing up and being told "good girls dont show their emotions?".... My doctor recently began to clean out her office files and gave me a package of my old test results etc., that she was going to throw out. I put them in my bedside table thinking I would throw them out the next day. I couldnt sleep and thought it would be typical "beside, put me to sleep reading". I couldnt have been more wrong. In those notes I found a copy of a medical report that says I have PCOS and have since I was 19. In actual fact there were two copies of this report in my file. Before reacting or over reacting, I had already booked a follow up appointment, so thought I would wait and ask her about how this diagnosis had affected my fertility, thyroid etc., and how she had treated this as part of my overall condition.

Then I kept on reading and found my TSH levels and B12 levels had been out for 10 years before she addressed either one. Despite me saying that I didnt feel well, for that entire time. I guess she just thought I was a hypochondriac. Can I be that if the test results show it? Or does that not mean I was right and not feeling well for a real reason?

I could go on about the other things I found in my report - but suffice to say, when I went back for my next appointment I asked. I couldnt have been more surprised. She obviously hadn't read any of my file and hadnt checked it since I became her patient in 1989. I had assumed since she knew we were trying for children, had 2 miscarriages - she may have looked into my medical history to see what, if anything, may be having an impact on why we werent able to get pregnant. Now I know that the entire time and her diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" were incorrect. (Did I also mention I heard last night she did the same with one of my best girlfriends - ignored her concerns about having breast issues, who has now been diagnosed with breast cancer? )

At 43 and in peri-menopause, it is too late to change it. Not that I want to, but holy hannah. I am not sure how to sort through this and the other information. I am also curious about what 20 years of untreated problems has done to my internal body.

I know we are to trust ourselves... but how is that possible when you listen to yourself and spend years hearing you are wrong. How do you learn to trust yourself when you are told you are wrong? Then later learn you were right all along?

Your thoughts become things...

Sundays are like rain. Both clear the way for new things to follow.  The rain clears away the clouds that get in our way - both mentally and physically. The rain feeds the growth of the earth and nourishes all.  Sundays do the same... it clears the way for the week that follows. Anything is possible starting Monday...

If you think about it, nightime is the same.  No matter what happens during the day, the night can erase it from your mind so when you wake, you have fresh eyes and fresh perspective.

As a child I didnt understand this and disliked Sundays... but now I do, just as I love the nightime and the rain.  What is it that you love? What allows you to change your perception?

I heard something the other day and I believe it. It isn't your body that changes your mind, it is  your mind that changes your body.  Your thoughts change things... you thoughts become things...

I wonder what those simple words mean to every different person?

I really have created what I wanted...I am so grateful.

Well to say its been a while, would be an understatement. The good part, is that I have been gone for a while, for a good reason. My business has been doing really well and has kept me busy and focused for the year. Things are more quiet over the summer and I plan on taking advantage of that time. This busy year has shown me how easy it is to get out of balance and then how being out of balance affects so many other things. So this summer, I plan on getting into some good habits that will have "stuck" by the time that work gets busy all over again.

This is a picture of a painting I own, called Landscape after the flood by Carl White. I have it in my office - a) because I love it and b) to remind me how fragile life really is - and to not take it for granted.

Yes I realize that I most likely ignored that second part for this year, but I am ok with recognizing it again now. Sometimes we have to put our heads down and work until we have the space not to. The painting also reminds me of how there is beauty in everything if we choose to see it. There is beauty in being busy, knowing that your skills and assets are of value to others. There is beauty in having a purpose and a role in your day to day life. There is beauty in having accomplished things outside of your comfort zone. There is beauty in the time spent building something you never thought you could achieve.

That is where I am if I am to be honest. I am still in amazed mode over what I have started to create with my business. I have an amazing group of women working with me, that believe in the same goals that I do. They support our purposes and causes and are in for the long haul, which makes a huge difference.

So, this gift of time that I am experiencing right now - I accept with gratitude and joy. It gives me an opportunity to re-balance, give back to myself and I will be all the better for it. I know the habits that I create over this new few weeks will go a long way to supporting me now as well as next year.

I had no idea that what I wished for, could actually happen, but it did - I actually created exactly what I wanted - to the last detail, of having time off over the summer to enjoy writing, while knowing I have steady paid work now and waiting for me again in August/September when the cycle will start all over again.

I love my life....and am so very grateful...