Surviving grief

So today was the second funeral in two weeks and as much as funerals are for saying goodbye, I don't feel that is what happened today. I am mad, angry, sad and everything all at once. The one thing I can come up with is sorrow.

I don't know if it is timing, her age (the same as mine), the fact that the anniversary of mum's death is coming up as well as her birthday or the fact that my mom has completely ignored or chose not to acknowledge the birthday gift and flowers I sent her for her birthday a few days ago. I guess the fact that I haven't seen her since my step fathers & aunts funerals in November should probably remind me of how we choose to contact each other. I was not expecting a huge gushing thank you, but now I dont know if she has even received anything. I was trying to show her love, thought it might be even more important now that she has lost her husband, to know she is loved.

But perhaps this too is about me and I am being selfish and not taking her feelings into mind. This is her first birthday without her husband and she is still grieving. Its just all so confusing sometimes and I just dont have the energy for all of it.

For today, when perspective is gone, I will just release the grief and frustration to the day and have faith that tomorrow things will be better. I know for a fact tomorrow will be better because I know that I am alive and have the ability to live what is left of my life with joy. I know it is a normal part of life, but why today do I feel survivors guilt? Or is that survivors grief?