I am so thankful....

So.. happy Monday. I spent a great day in the garden yesterday - well only 8 hours, but it feels like 24 at least. Not sure if that is because of my age or if that is just gardening *lol* It was wonderful to have or more correctly, to take the time and plant some fresh life into the garden. I have to say that after 3 years it is filling in beautifully and I am really pleased with the results.

So back to work today with lots to do, but that is good. I have to say after signing two contracts last week - I can proudly say that within my first 8 months of business I have brought in $100k worth of contracts for this fiscal year. Three of my contracts are long term - 2 years minimum with all looking for long term situations and stability for their organization. This is great for me and allows me the stability of hiring and paying people on a regular basis as well. I am really proud of our accomplishments to date and see nothing but good on the horizon.

I am working on a little surprise for my husband today, just a little something to say thank you for all of his love and support in helping me get my business started.

Well work calls, so I have to go... but I just wanted to share the good news with you and express my thanks and gratitude to the Universe.

Hello again, me here. I am a bit confused, but rather than let it be the tone of anything, I will change it to being grateful.

I got an email from my mom this morning thanking me for my gift, which I really appreciated. Not because she said thank you, but because she actually received the gifts.

I don't know how our relationship became the way it did just as I don't really know what it is now, or what it will be in the future. I know it isn't a matter of not loving each other, because I don't doubt that we do. I guess the part I find confusing is the wondering how you can love someone yet never see them or talk with them? I guess it is true that each and every relationship is its own individual entity without rules or preset boundaries - other than those that are self imposed.

I also know she knows about this blog but I am not sure if she ever reads it, or has read it but if she does then I hope nothing I have said here hurts her. This is about my journey and my perception of things. But as much as I say that, I am also aware enough to realize that if you are the one being spoken about, it is hard not take things personally. I am not saying she is or she isn't I guess I just want to protect myself and her at the same time. Part of me though to remove every post that mentions her in it so as to not make any issues but that doesnt seem quite right either.

Mom if you read this, I want you to know that I bought you the flowers to make you smile. I wanted you to know that someone is thinking about you. I dont know what my birthday would be like without my husband and I am sad that you have to learn about this first hand.

I guess there have been more than enough Mothers Days left uncelebrated between us, so this was a gesture towards reconciliation on my part. I know I can't make up for the lost time between us - but just wanted you to know that despite everything between us, that you do matter to me, that I do love you. i really am at a loss as to what else to do other than to just live my life.

I bought you the Chapters gift certificate because the love of books and reading is something that we share. Something that makes me feel closer to you, something that makes me feel like I am from you, that I am your daughter. Not because it was easy or a last minute thing. I know you go to the Library and borrow books so buying you one you didnt want didnt make any sense to me.

I no longer know about your tastes, likes, dislikes, wants or needs - if I ever knew them at all. I also dont know how to pick up the phone because I really dont know what to say or how to say it. I dont even know what I feel inside anymore, it just seems to have found this place of existing within me.

I will be honest and say that part of me hopes you read this so you can get to know me. I dont mean just this post, but the entire thing. I want you to know your daughter because I think you would like her, be proud of her - because I know I am proud of me.

Many years ago when I was considering taking a lateral position job wise you told me to stretch the elastic and I have done that. I started my own company and am living my own dreams. Sure the hours are crazy but I am doing it. I am not sitting on the sidelines waiting for my life to pass me by. i sent you my website to show you that I took your advise and you were right. I was capable of so much more than I had given myself credit for.

So are you. I know your life has changed yet again and can only imagine what you are going through as you struggle to find a new balance, a new foundation for which to build your life on. It is a long process filled with a myriad of emotions and changes that I won't ever understand until it is my turn.

I dont know how to help but I hope you are getting the help and support that you need.

I dont know where this cut off side of me came from, the one disconnected from feeling things. Because I usually cry at the drop of the hat - and for sure every episode of The Biggest Loser. I am not saying it is because of you or from dad or from anyone really. I don't place blame on anybody, it is what it is and part of who I am. Probably a part that enables me to do my job really well and remain emotionally distanced.

Well there is so much more to say, but I am out of time today. I have conference coming up that I am hosting for about 400 people - so there is a lot to do, but I just didnt want today to go by without thanking you. I am glad you received your gifts and can only hope you liked them. I hope you had as great a birthday as possible and an enjoyable Mothers Day.

Surviving grief

So today was the second funeral in two weeks and as much as funerals are for saying goodbye, I don't feel that is what happened today. I am mad, angry, sad and everything all at once. The one thing I can come up with is sorrow.

I don't know if it is timing, her age (the same as mine), the fact that the anniversary of mum's death is coming up as well as her birthday or the fact that my mom has completely ignored or chose not to acknowledge the birthday gift and flowers I sent her for her birthday a few days ago. I guess the fact that I haven't seen her since my step fathers & aunts funerals in November should probably remind me of how we choose to contact each other. I was not expecting a huge gushing thank you, but now I dont know if she has even received anything. I was trying to show her love, thought it might be even more important now that she has lost her husband, to know she is loved.

But perhaps this too is about me and I am being selfish and not taking her feelings into mind. This is her first birthday without her husband and she is still grieving. Its just all so confusing sometimes and I just dont have the energy for all of it.

For today, when perspective is gone, I will just release the grief and frustration to the day and have faith that tomorrow things will be better. I know for a fact tomorrow will be better because I know that I am alive and have the ability to live what is left of my life with joy. I know it is a normal part of life, but why today do I feel survivors guilt? Or is that survivors grief?