A New Branch

For those of you that read this, you will know that I am constantly trying to figure out this journey of mine. In a good way though. I am excited and ready to take the next steps, I just don't always know what they are, or how to get there. The one thing I do have is complete faith that whatever should happen, will. I know I need to do my part and not just sit back and wait for life to fall into my lap. I am not a passive participant in life.. nor do I want to be.

I have been spending more time writing these days and the more I do, the more I want to do. The more some of the choices I have made become clear to me, they were right or wrong, as the case may be. No judgment or regret, this is how we learn.

I am starting this new branch, by taking the steps to get to know me... I know that may sound silly, but I need clarity for myself about who I am vs. who I think I am. *lol* How can I help myself move forward if I dont take the steps to know who I am, want I want, what makes me tick etc.,

I know it sounds silly, but I also know that at age 42 I am not the only person interested in learning about themselves. I can again feel changes happening and I am absolutely willing and ready as I like who I am so far, so know this is going to be great. Whatever "it" is... *lol*

I have decided to start with the little things - like my favorite movies, music, books etc. I think by learning how I spend my time, it will give me greater tools to connect to my passions and what I enjoy doing most. At the very least, it is a tool for clarity and perspective. At the most... well I don't believe in limits... so lets go!

Respect the Dead....

is the name of this photo. That is what I am doing with my 3 Day Novel contest this year. Paying tribute yet again to death - just in a different way. I do wonder why that seems to be a common string in my novels - all 8 of them *lol*

I'll figure it all out another day... but for now, I am on a deadline...

I have missed you blog.. I promise, I will be back soon.

walking in my new shoes...

as my profile picture shows, i love dancing trees...but this is the newest one i have found and thought i would share it with you...

it kind of goes with my thoughts for today... i wonder what it is within each of us that prevents us from automatically believing in ourselves. i don't mean externally because what we present externally shows that very well, but it is the internal part that confuses me. i am not aware of it, how it happens or how it was created... because i think if i had a choice i wouldn't do it any longer. i think today is the realization that i do have the choice to no longer feel this way. to no longer sabotage myself through my thoughts and actions (or inactions). it took me a long time to recognize my pattern, but now that i have recognized it i wonder how long it will take me to win over this next struggle.

i wonder why it is that we are never taught how to succeed, yet we instinctively and quite willingly see this in every other person in our life and support them happily. i wonder why we find it so hard to support ourselves. i have everything i ever wanted and more and i want to take the next step to the next level. i know that i am more than capable, i know that i am more than willing, i just need to get out of my own way. i have my own sky to reach and i want to do it ...

i know every step i take leads me closer to the next part on the journey. i have faith that there is enough time and that everything i need is either within me or available to me... perhaps that is where the chaos comes from... when things are going too well, we have been taught to question it and wonder when the other shoe is going to drop...

well i finally have the answer to that... and yes...i bought my own shoes.. so i know when they will drop... whether they are my new pradas or my two new pairs of manolo's....hmm... i guess i am already doing what i set out to do... have you seen my new shoes? *lol*

I am so thankful....

So.. happy Monday. I spent a great day in the garden yesterday - well only 8 hours, but it feels like 24 at least. Not sure if that is because of my age or if that is just gardening *lol* It was wonderful to have or more correctly, to take the time and plant some fresh life into the garden. I have to say that after 3 years it is filling in beautifully and I am really pleased with the results.

So back to work today with lots to do, but that is good. I have to say after signing two contracts last week - I can proudly say that within my first 8 months of business I have brought in $100k worth of contracts for this fiscal year. Three of my contracts are long term - 2 years minimum with all looking for long term situations and stability for their organization. This is great for me and allows me the stability of hiring and paying people on a regular basis as well. I am really proud of our accomplishments to date and see nothing but good on the horizon.

I am working on a little surprise for my husband today, just a little something to say thank you for all of his love and support in helping me get my business started.

Well work calls, so I have to go... but I just wanted to share the good news with you and express my thanks and gratitude to the Universe.

Hello again, me here. I am a bit confused, but rather than let it be the tone of anything, I will change it to being grateful.

I got an email from my mom this morning thanking me for my gift, which I really appreciated. Not because she said thank you, but because she actually received the gifts.

I don't know how our relationship became the way it did just as I don't really know what it is now, or what it will be in the future. I know it isn't a matter of not loving each other, because I don't doubt that we do. I guess the part I find confusing is the wondering how you can love someone yet never see them or talk with them? I guess it is true that each and every relationship is its own individual entity without rules or preset boundaries - other than those that are self imposed.

I also know she knows about this blog but I am not sure if she ever reads it, or has read it but if she does then I hope nothing I have said here hurts her. This is about my journey and my perception of things. But as much as I say that, I am also aware enough to realize that if you are the one being spoken about, it is hard not take things personally. I am not saying she is or she isn't I guess I just want to protect myself and her at the same time. Part of me though to remove every post that mentions her in it so as to not make any issues but that doesnt seem quite right either.

Mom if you read this, I want you to know that I bought you the flowers to make you smile. I wanted you to know that someone is thinking about you. I dont know what my birthday would be like without my husband and I am sad that you have to learn about this first hand.

I guess there have been more than enough Mothers Days left uncelebrated between us, so this was a gesture towards reconciliation on my part. I know I can't make up for the lost time between us - but just wanted you to know that despite everything between us, that you do matter to me, that I do love you. i really am at a loss as to what else to do other than to just live my life.

I bought you the Chapters gift certificate because the love of books and reading is something that we share. Something that makes me feel closer to you, something that makes me feel like I am from you, that I am your daughter. Not because it was easy or a last minute thing. I know you go to the Library and borrow books so buying you one you didnt want didnt make any sense to me.

I no longer know about your tastes, likes, dislikes, wants or needs - if I ever knew them at all. I also dont know how to pick up the phone because I really dont know what to say or how to say it. I dont even know what I feel inside anymore, it just seems to have found this place of existing within me.

I will be honest and say that part of me hopes you read this so you can get to know me. I dont mean just this post, but the entire thing. I want you to know your daughter because I think you would like her, be proud of her - because I know I am proud of me.

Many years ago when I was considering taking a lateral position job wise you told me to stretch the elastic and I have done that. I started my own company and am living my own dreams. Sure the hours are crazy but I am doing it. I am not sitting on the sidelines waiting for my life to pass me by. i sent you my website to show you that I took your advise and you were right. I was capable of so much more than I had given myself credit for.

So are you. I know your life has changed yet again and can only imagine what you are going through as you struggle to find a new balance, a new foundation for which to build your life on. It is a long process filled with a myriad of emotions and changes that I won't ever understand until it is my turn.

I dont know how to help but I hope you are getting the help and support that you need.

I dont know where this cut off side of me came from, the one disconnected from feeling things. Because I usually cry at the drop of the hat - and for sure every episode of The Biggest Loser. I am not saying it is because of you or from dad or from anyone really. I don't place blame on anybody, it is what it is and part of who I am. Probably a part that enables me to do my job really well and remain emotionally distanced.

Well there is so much more to say, but I am out of time today. I have conference coming up that I am hosting for about 400 people - so there is a lot to do, but I just didnt want today to go by without thanking you. I am glad you received your gifts and can only hope you liked them. I hope you had as great a birthday as possible and an enjoyable Mothers Day.

Surviving grief

So today was the second funeral in two weeks and as much as funerals are for saying goodbye, I don't feel that is what happened today. I am mad, angry, sad and everything all at once. The one thing I can come up with is sorrow.

I don't know if it is timing, her age (the same as mine), the fact that the anniversary of mum's death is coming up as well as her birthday or the fact that my mom has completely ignored or chose not to acknowledge the birthday gift and flowers I sent her for her birthday a few days ago. I guess the fact that I haven't seen her since my step fathers & aunts funerals in November should probably remind me of how we choose to contact each other. I was not expecting a huge gushing thank you, but now I dont know if she has even received anything. I was trying to show her love, thought it might be even more important now that she has lost her husband, to know she is loved.

But perhaps this too is about me and I am being selfish and not taking her feelings into mind. This is her first birthday without her husband and she is still grieving. Its just all so confusing sometimes and I just dont have the energy for all of it.

For today, when perspective is gone, I will just release the grief and frustration to the day and have faith that tomorrow things will be better. I know for a fact tomorrow will be better because I know that I am alive and have the ability to live what is left of my life with joy. I know it is a normal part of life, but why today do I feel survivors guilt? Or is that survivors grief?

I'm awake now and taking no prisoners...

I have two very distinct thoughts for today and am not sure if or how they will go together, so please bare with me as I try to figure it all out. First I have to say that I am beyond stunned that two women in my life are going to die from Breast Cancer within 10 days of each other. Yes they knew each other and have for years. Life at times has too much death in it and perhaps that is where my other thought has come from.

Lately I have been feeling the need to reach out to those that I love and care about and tell them exactly that. I don't want to let boundaries or barriers prevent my true emotions come out. Those from my past, my present and my future - are all part of me and have or will make an impact of some kind. To both me as a person and in my life. Some are imprinted on my body, some my soul, some my mind and others just my memories.

I have also made a rather bold decision to live my life with passion - no matter the cost. For so many years I thought not feeling things, being constrained, respectable, reliable etc., were the only way to be. While they are all part of me, they are not the only parts of me and I miss those that I have kept under cover for fear of judgement, repercussions or just not knowing how to reconcile them.

While I have had the thought before, today it truly made sense and hit to the core. By shutting down parts of myself I have no just protected myself from getting hurt, I have prevented myself from feeling a lot of the great things life has to offer.

Perhaps this new lust for life is because of the 5 deaths I have had in the last 5 months, perhaps seeing others loose their ability to enjoy life has made me see how lucky I am to still have the chance.

I have gone ahead and thrown myself head first into my new business and am having the time of my life with it. It is ahead of schedule and becoming all I ever dreamed it to be. Now I just need to focus that on my novel Jabula and myself personally.

I want to feel again - perhaps for the first time since mum and dad died I am ready to really open myself up again. I really didn't know I had been asleep all this time. But I'm awake now... and here I come...

xxoo

The price of our choices...who is it too high for?

This photo is called respect the dead and I guess that is what I am trying to do, today. A good friend of mine has taken his life and while I want to respect him and all he stood for, I cannot help but feel a myriad of emotions about the choices he has made.

I know we are never truly in the position to know someone 100% or to know what is going on in their minds at all times, but it amazes me how it is usually hindsight that tweaks us to the many signs we may have missed.

Yet there are those dedicated individuals who have this battle going on within them, with no outwardly signs. I have been party to both situations and I do not know what is worse. Knowing someone is suicidal and trying to help them and losing the battle with them, or to not know and all of a sudden be faced with their funeral.

I guess it is just like dying from sickness - do you want to know and have it affect what time you have left, or would you rather just not know and deal with it later.

In my ignorance about life, I somehow felt suicide skipped over my age group. I thought perhaps it was just the too young to know how to cope group, or the too old to want to live like this group. I mean sure there are a few exceptions in the middle, but for the most part I hadn't considered this as an option to even consider as a manner of loss.

I also have to be honest about all of the things that are in my head right now, so I can heal from how this is affecting me. I know that in life you must be vulnerable to care and allow someone to impact your life, to not do so would ensure you never had any quality of relationships. Yet I also know that sometimes when you set up boundaries to protect yourself, that further pushes people away and perhaps closer to their own ultimate decisions. In their own way, neither can be avoided, but perhaps there is a better way to do this dance?

I am also a firm believer in how the world is changing now as we move towards 2012. I don't mean that the world is going to end or anything that dramatic. But it is obvious something is happening with the planet and we cannot deny it. While there are two sides to the global warming, global getting colder, ice caps melting, hurricanes, tornado's, earth quakes etc., they are all a reality in their own way. Why shouldn't they be? The earth's energy is changing as we are about to enter into a new cycle after 26,000 years of this one. I say bring it on. The earth doesn't need us, be we sure need it.

I think all of the energy changes are going to be real challenges for those who are not in line with themselves, the goodness of life and what is here on the planet. We have all chosen to be here during this time, yet I believe we have forgotten that being here should be filled with joy, happiness and adventure. I think that all of these changes are going to be felt deep within each of us and if we are not prepared and centred, we are going to struggle, perhaps deeply.

That said, I don't feel that this is that much different than a normal aging life process - life should be getting better as we get older, yet so many feel it is getting worse because our bodies are changing and our attitudes are shifting. Well they should be. We should be embracing the joys that aging is bringing - from longer relationships to grow and build upon, to a longer track of great memories to share. We are old enough to know ourselves and our true motivations and to let go of those horrific expectations we are faced with as teens. While we continue to work hard it is with and for a purpose. We know the true value of love and life by this time and know how to fully embrace and enjoy it. So you tell me, how can any of this be a bad thing?

I know that we all differ in our perspectives and opinions and that I am lucky to not be faced with the decisions that my friend has made. But it is not just luck, we all create our lives and circumstance that we live with each and every day, through our actions, words and choices. This is not always easy, but it is rewarding and one of the best gifts we will ever receive.

I am not sitting in a place of judgment, not at all. I just truly wish he could have seen the world through my eyes, even if just for a moment, to find some hope. If not for himself, at least for his 13 year old daughter who will now live with this legacy. If not for himself, for those of us that loved about him enough to share his life for all of these years. I just wish he could have found happiness here with us, in this life and perhaps that is me being selfish.

That said, I am really excited about what happens when we leave here, so how can I fault him for wanting to move on to something he had hopes would be better, easier and make him happy like those that surrounded him. That simple thing he felt eluded him. It's a tough call my friend and I know you have made your choice and I will respect you for it. I don't have to like it, but it wasn't my choice to make. I truly hope you have found some peace with what comes next and I hope you are one of those waiting for me when I get there, when my time has come. Speaking for myself I will miss your energy, that laughing, smiling, devious jokester with a great heart energy.

I hope that now that the pain from this life has left you - or that you have left it, that you are able to enjoy your new one. I hope from where you are, you can now see just how much you were and still are loved.

I know already that your choices are going to influence my next book and while you are not here to ask your permission, I hope you will be pleased with how I handle it. Of course I would never do anything tacky to hurt you, your family or your memory, but just to use the situation as an example of a choice to explore from all sides. You will know from the dedication just how I feel.

Will love you always my dear friend... See you soon... well not too soon, but when my time is right...