Nor will I be defined by the loss of my father and my inability to make things right before he left this world.
Funny for someone who hates being late for anything - I was 18 months too late to see him and make this right.
At least that is what I am telling myself today... What I do know for sure is that regrets after someone dies are the worst things to deal with. The other thing I know today is that guilt is not a great partner in grief - its not friendly or forgiving. I will have to find a way to forgive myself for my part in this - while grieving for what I have lost. What has happened in the past no longer matters - what matters is my father has died and I will never ever have a chance to be his daughter again and that hurts beyond belief.
Funny for someone who hates being late for anything - I was 18 months too late to see him and make this right.
At least that is what I am telling myself today... What I do know for sure is that regrets after someone dies are the worst things to deal with. The other thing I know today is that guilt is not a great partner in grief - its not friendly or forgiving. I will have to find a way to forgive myself for my part in this - while grieving for what I have lost. What has happened in the past no longer matters - what matters is my father has died and I will never ever have a chance to be his daughter again and that hurts beyond belief.
I'm attaching this picture as it speaks what I am feeling but will never have a chance to experience - for my fathers ashes were spread in 4 different places around the world.
I have no place to go to mourn him, no people that loved him to mourn with - yes I know this is my punishment for walking away to build my life, but its a bit of a harsh sentence. I realize that this is the exact equal of what I did to him by walking away and never giving him a chance to make things better - and it is as it should be. It is just an extremely tough less to learn.
Karma... you really do get back what you put out there.
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