I have two very distinct thoughts for today and am not sure if or how they will go together, so please bare with me as I try to figure it all out. First I have to say that I am beyond stunned that two women in my life are going to die from Breast Cancer within 10 days of each other. Yes they knew each other and have for years. Life at times has too much death in it and perhaps that is where my other thought has come from.
Lately I have been feeling the need to reach out to those that I love and care about and tell them exactly that. I don't want to let boundaries or barriers prevent my true emotions come out. Those from my past, my present and my future - are all part of me and have or will make an impact of some kind. To both me as a person and in my life. Some are imprinted on my body, some my soul, some my mind and others just my memories.
I have also made a rather bold decision to live my life with passion - no matter the cost. For so many years I thought not feeling things, being constrained, respectable, reliable etc., were the only way to be. While they are all part of me, they are not the only parts of me and I miss those that I have kept under cover for fear of judgement, repercussions or just not knowing how to reconcile them.
While I have had the thought before, today it truly made sense and hit to the core. By shutting down parts of myself I have no just protected myself from getting hurt, I have prevented myself from feeling a lot of the great things life has to offer.
Perhaps this new lust for life is because of the 5 deaths I have had in the last 5 months, perhaps seeing others loose their ability to enjoy life has made me see how lucky I am to still have the chance.
I have gone ahead and thrown myself head first into my new business and am having the time of my life with it. It is ahead of schedule and becoming all I ever dreamed it to be. Now I just need to focus that on my novel Jabula and myself personally.
I want to feel again - perhaps for the first time since mum and dad died I am ready to really open myself up again. I really didn't know I had been asleep all this time. But I'm awake now... and here I come...
xxoo
